Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Botox, The Tan Tax and The FairTax
Aren't we getting a little silly? I mean us regular folks, not the Capitol Hill crowd. It's obvious they don't care what we think of them when they spend their time talking about Botox and tanning beds under the Capitol Dome. I say we send them home. They're starting to make the rest of us look downright silly. Especially since House Resolution 25 is right there in front of us.
Under The FairTax (H.R. 25) the current tragedy that is congress could not exist. I no longer think congress a comedy--not just because I'm a father--because I really do think the Constitution should be followed. It had to be amended to allow the Income Tax, just like Prohibition. Prohibition went away when the cost-benefit was out of whack and common sense prevailed. The Income Tax is more than out of whack and it can go away, too. The cost-benefit of the FairTax should be discussed wherever politicians gather, not Botox and human tanneries.
Enough common sense will see the FairTax prevail--we're headed to hell without it. I know of 60 senators who lack common sense and quite a few not looking for a spot in heaven. I know some senators and their leaders who hit Santa's Naughty List last night for selling out the constitution for some constituents...sometime in the future. Most of these financial shenanigans would come to a halt under the FairTax.
Without the IRS and their asinine tax code doled out by and for lobbyists, our congressmen could, would, and should be talking about National Parks, National Defense, or anything else useful to all of us--like the last really good thing they did, the National Do Not Call Registry. We know that only happened because even congressmen couldn't escape digital telemarketing.
This congress masquarades as a federal legislative body just as the Internal Revenue Service hides its true purpose in its title. Insipidly Restructuring Society is what it should be called. It's what it does. The IRS forces our tanning beds, cigarettes, alcohol, gasoline, fast food or numerous other things to pay salaries for too many D.C. staffers sitting around reading Mao.
Research the FairTax and imagine a Capitol Dome without tanning beds and Botox.
Under The FairTax (H.R. 25) the current tragedy that is congress could not exist. I no longer think congress a comedy--not just because I'm a father--because I really do think the Constitution should be followed. It had to be amended to allow the Income Tax, just like Prohibition. Prohibition went away when the cost-benefit was out of whack and common sense prevailed. The Income Tax is more than out of whack and it can go away, too. The cost-benefit of the FairTax should be discussed wherever politicians gather, not Botox and human tanneries.
Enough common sense will see the FairTax prevail--we're headed to hell without it. I know of 60 senators who lack common sense and quite a few not looking for a spot in heaven. I know some senators and their leaders who hit Santa's Naughty List last night for selling out the constitution for some constituents...sometime in the future. Most of these financial shenanigans would come to a halt under the FairTax.
Without the IRS and their asinine tax code doled out by and for lobbyists, our congressmen could, would, and should be talking about National Parks, National Defense, or anything else useful to all of us--like the last really good thing they did, the National Do Not Call Registry. We know that only happened because even congressmen couldn't escape digital telemarketing.
This congress masquarades as a federal legislative body just as the Internal Revenue Service hides its true purpose in its title. Insipidly Restructuring Society is what it should be called. It's what it does. The IRS forces our tanning beds, cigarettes, alcohol, gasoline, fast food or numerous other things to pay salaries for too many D.C. staffers sitting around reading Mao.
Research the FairTax and imagine a Capitol Dome without tanning beds and Botox.
It's 1:00am...Do you now where your congress is?
I hate to equate the governing body of the greatest nation on earth to children--but we have little more than a classroom out of control in Washington D.C. The teacher is Obama and the school board is the Supreme Court. The spitballs are flying, the chalkboard's full of graffiti, and the good kids are outnumbered.
Some of our patriotic senators told the truth late last night about the rest of the class cheating. The bullys in the room are throwing out the rules and that's just fine with the teacher, because he can't be fired as long as the union is in charge. The school board has already thrown out the constitution with campaign finance reform and imminent domain decisions--so these kids are spending their time and our money with no limits, and no boundaries on their behavior. It's one thing to grow up and live your life without a sense of right and wrong--but something altogether different to govern that way.
Some of our patriotic senators told the truth late last night about the rest of the class cheating. The bullys in the room are throwing out the rules and that's just fine with the teacher, because he can't be fired as long as the union is in charge. The school board has already thrown out the constitution with campaign finance reform and imminent domain decisions--so these kids are spending their time and our money with no limits, and no boundaries on their behavior. It's one thing to grow up and live your life without a sense of right and wrong--but something altogether different to govern that way.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
On the Second Day of Blogging, my loved ones gave to me...
Twoooooo barfy toilets...
and a cartidge of my printer's ink.
On my first day of blogging I had a sick four-yr-old and lots to do.
On the second day, my wife came home from work and began ridding herself of virus faster than Norton or McAfee...
Then our 12-yr-old comes home...but he waits til after midnight. I thought he had rushed out of his room with dirty dishes because I heard him spill a whole glass of something on the bathroom floor--I heard it land like a bucket of mop water (the mop water comes in later...) Then I realized he rarely volunteers to bring dirty dishes from his room and he never rushes when it does happen. Then, I heard it again, with a grunt as if he were bent down picking up his dirty socks, but I thought better quickly and jumped from my slumber. Needless to say I was glad Olivia was well yesterday. Right up to 9pm when, after allowing her to fall asleep on the couch, she rewarded us with changing the color of the living room carpet.
Today...everyone has been fine: Fine as frog hair, as my brother Ray, would say.
But what lurks for the blogger after the moon comes up? It's shaped like a sliver of undigested green pepper, you know.
and a cartidge of my printer's ink.
On my first day of blogging I had a sick four-yr-old and lots to do.
On the second day, my wife came home from work and began ridding herself of virus faster than Norton or McAfee...
Then our 12-yr-old comes home...but he waits til after midnight. I thought he had rushed out of his room with dirty dishes because I heard him spill a whole glass of something on the bathroom floor--I heard it land like a bucket of mop water (the mop water comes in later...) Then I realized he rarely volunteers to bring dirty dishes from his room and he never rushes when it does happen. Then, I heard it again, with a grunt as if he were bent down picking up his dirty socks, but I thought better quickly and jumped from my slumber. Needless to say I was glad Olivia was well yesterday. Right up to 9pm when, after allowing her to fall asleep on the couch, she rewarded us with changing the color of the living room carpet.
Today...everyone has been fine: Fine as frog hair, as my brother Ray, would say.
But what lurks for the blogger after the moon comes up? It's shaped like a sliver of undigested green pepper, you know.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Is Congress Our Starting Team? (long post 8 pp)
A dream about Congress on the 50-yard line comes to an ancient Alabama football player—starting quarterback, surviving paratrooper. A Browne Delivery truck stirs the old man from his nap on the porch. He comes to babbling about the forward pass, fair taxation and benching the starting team. He tells the young driver, “The Constitution is their playbook—and they’re not using it.”
Later, Browne writes it down: Their conversation and the dream. One worth sharing.
“It just came to me. It’s about their excess in general—their recess in August.”
“Who’s that, sir? Your great-grandkids?”
“No, Congress. My little brother went to one of those Town Hall meetings—now on TV they call him a Nazi. Way back when, Tommy killed boatloads of Nazis—Tommy was a Torpedoman second class. Last month he wanted to know about his new hip. Do they call him a veteran? No, a dad gum Brown Shirt—no offense, driver. Sure be nice if we could get the whole lot of them on the fifty-yard line in front of God and everybody—you offended by God?”
“No sir…never left Alabama.” Browne still thinks his delivery is disturbing the man. “Please sign here, sir.” He makes it easy on the elderly, “You don’t have to read it first...”
“That’s how they got in trouble—they didn’t bother reading things first.”
“Who’s that, sir?”
“Congress...wake up, will you? I’m the one just woke up…and I had a dream, a real one. We could save the country if—you like America, right?”
Browne describes the lump in his throat when Lee Greenwood sings God Bless the U.S.A.
The old timer catches the young man admiring woodwork on the porch. “My father built this house before he went off to fight Germans—that first time. He came home to have a big family. Four of us went off to fight Germans—that second time.”
“What unit were you with?”
“Those are memories son, we’re talking about a dream: Different wars—memories and dreams. Look here,” the old man drops the box he signed for to pick up a football signed by a young Bear Bryant, “I got a whole bunch of memories about America, now I got this dream for her. Can you sit a while…before it leaves me? It’s funny sometimes. But you’re busy…”
Browne sits and wonders aloud how many stories a century-old house might have.
“Stories come over time,” more than eighty years of it says. “You might hear the same story—even a bald-faced lie—ten times before you believe it’s real. But a dream…that’s thrown at you all at once.”
To get young Browne’s attention the old man fiddles with the football. He spins it left and he spins it right, and then…he throws it at him all at once. With three Purple Hearts from FDR and two MVPs from the SEC, the elderly patriot begins sharing his dream in bullets; throwing pigskin to make a point, “Hope you catch on…”
• A lottery brings 100,000 voters to a joint session of Congress in a football stadium.
• It’s near sundown on a dog day in 2010 and re-election campaigns are...suspended.
• Voters have all had 3 months to prepare for 5 days of fast questions and short answers.
• Anxious citizens will find out during recess if politicians are…smarter than fifth-graders.
• C-Span and ESPN-2 have exclusive broadcast rights to Camp Constitution 2010.
• FEMA is back in DC. This crowd is responsible; they shy away from F—Agencies.
• Thirteen discreet paragraphs hidden like the cash in the Cash for Clunkers Law make Camp Constitution possible: No one understood the entire bill, but it became law.
• The Constitution is displayed high on big screens visible and indivisible…for all.
• Congress is seated midfield on folding chairs; ready to move when the whistle blows.
• State by state the people sit comfortably between Congress and the Constitution.
• Kick-off is 20 minutes away: The rules of the game are still secret—scoring unknown.
• Without explanation the scoreboard reads: Home: 0 Visitors: 535
• Broadcasters in pre-pre-season form describe one team on the field, another in the stands.
“Welcome everyone to the well-established Washington Politicians versus the upstart Mosteverytown Patriots. As you know, Jim, it’s the first-ever away game for Congress. They sure look intimidated down there on the field—what do you think, Bob?”
“Well, Frank, these Politicians are out numbered…and probably confused. The rules of the game won’t be posted until just before kick-off and what’s the message on that scoreboard? Have the Politicians already won before the game begins? That’s not right?”
“It’s…snot, Bob. An unidentified source in the locker room tells me this will turn out to be a pre-election draft and trade situation—that’s the game. Politicians who score with the American people will be traded to the Home Team…until November, then re-elected. Politicians who don’t score will run out their present contracts in Washington, then retire or face being cut from the team. What kind of score do you think Americans want out of this contest, Bob?”
“Frankly, Frank, I believe it’s a win-win situation for the Patriots. Americans realize that the Politicians record would greatly improve with a roster of randomly selected citizens.
“No doubt this Washington team needs time to rebuild, Bob—strengthen their foundation in traditional plays.”
“Certainly the Politicians ran too many sneaks last year—really stirred up these Patriots for the big game in November. Frank, these teams only meet every two years…”
“Mosteverytown could build confidence this week, maybe learn they can control Politicians in future contests. Better yet, Bob, maybe Washington will learn they’re not meant to control Mosteverytown, and certainly not by ignoring the playbook.”
“The Communist Manifesto, Frank—that’s the playbook meant to control a people. It hasn’t fielded a serious team since the Soviet Union broke apart.”
“It’s not as if our American playbook is a secret document, Bob. Or a living document…”
“I agree with you on the Constitution, Frank, apparently not enough Politicians…”
“These Patriots have traveled from fifty states to confront Congress over the Constitution. The results are non-binding, Bob; replacing Politicians like this is, well, unconstitutional.”
“That’s right, Frank, but thanks to Cash for Clunkers this whole week is legal, to be played out right there on the fifty-yard line in front of God and everybody…I can say that, right?”
“Feel free, Frank. I’m sure God watches C-Span. For those of you tuned to ESPN the blimp is also above us, hovering over the parking lot and National Guard City, set up during the last three days. Boy…that’s the American Spirit in olive drab.”
• Outside the stadium the 82nd Airborne provides security, as they now do for national disasters—including Congress. The Red Cross passes out comfortable blankets, McDonalds…hamburgers, and Nathan’s…hot dogs. Food trailers surround the small city of giant tents where Patriots and Politicians bunk together. No one leaves the parking lot during breaks.
• Inside the stadium Port-a-Potties grace the sidelines, two for each Congressional row. No one leaves the field during play.
“Bob, as promised the rules are now posted on the Camp Constitution website: Only a couple of printed pages—and that’s during a joint session of Congress, wow!”
“We really have to compliment retired coach Lou Holtz for organizing this effort. His love of football and the Constitution has really brought this week together. Good pick by the Legion."
• The American Legion has composed a series of multiple-choice questions for Congress.
• Politicians have a 30-second clock to answer. Patriots grade the answers on the spot.
• Politicians will gain and lose yards, score, or get sacked based on their answers.
• Politicians are guaranteed to score with the right answer to the one Hail Mary question.
“What if these Politicians—lie—when they answer, Frank?”
“They can sit, stand, or lie, Bob…as long as they tell the truth. The organizers of Camp Constitution, like the Tea Party movement, contend that Washington is systematically cheating Mosteverytown—constitutionally speaking. Americans are used to playing fair, Bob.”
“To catch the liars, Frank, we won’t use instant replays…we have extant replays.”
“John Wayne asked the definition of that word, extant, in his last movie…I forget it now.”
“It means existing, Bob. Politicians will be subjected to all existing and relevant replays of their speeches and political statements over the years. We call the archive, YouLiedTube.”
“We’ll see how this plays out in November. Not so far away is it…Jim? You’ve been quiet.”
“Yes—No, sir. I mean you’re right, Mister…Frank, or Bob. We’ll just see how many Politicians down on that outfield will be sent back to the minor leagues. Back to Mosteverytown where they came from— not everyone is meant for the Major Leagues…Bob.”
“That’s baseball, Jim. Why are you here again? Just who are you, Jim, and what do you do?”
“I’m the, you know…I’m the Cash for Clunkers Czar, remember me? It was just last year; my law professor got me the job… I’m assigned here for—diversity. That Clunker bill mandates that all Czars attend this joint session of, you know, Congress...”
“Well, Jim, Congress is down on the field and that’s where Czars belong—right Bob?”
“That’s right, Frank. Here’s the door, Jim. There’s a headset at the thirty-yard line; we’ll call you—close the door now. Time for a song, Frank?”
“Czarry, Czarry night…”
“I don’t trust him as Czar as I can throw him, Bob.”
“Here we are, Frank, in the dark about the rules our Politicians will play by: Last thing we need is a government official right out of government school educating us about the government. There’s nothing to learn from anyway—there’s no history for this day.”
“Well, Bob, a lot of Americans try to live without history—without knowing what happened in Congress, ever, let alone last year. Can you imagine if Politicians had taken over health care?”
“Almost scared me to a death panel, Frank.”
“Committees and conferences, Bob, lobbyists and lawyers…”
“Secret money and stealthy meetings, Frank—most voters know squat about what Congress has done behind closed doors since World War Two—or since the Sixties, right to our face.”
“I see a hundred thousand voters who know all about this Congress and their history...”
• Prior to kick-off the big screens show a short television classic; most Patriots and some Politicians sing along as the stadium rocks to, I’m just a bill…from Capitol Hill…
• Fifty thousand registered voters hold winning lottery tickets for this odd American gathering. They brought 50,000 other registered voters—a lot of married couples.
• All Patriots have spent 3 months drawing one-quarter of a Senator’s salary while studying the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and selected Federalist Papers.
• Required reading also included Orwell’s books Animal Farm and 1984 as well as Ayn Rand’s ever-selling Atlas Shrugged and the two best-selling books on the FairTax.
• Suggested reading: Rules for Radicals, Silent Spring and The Communist Manifesto…any James Michener novel, two Dale Carnegie books and three Frank Capra screenplays.
• Through some algebraic formula the 100,000 are proportional to each state’s population.
• Each state and every fan casts 535 votes—an Electoral College for Congress, all at once.
“Frank, those six Politicians who wrote the legalese that got past Congress—they’re American Heroes, guaranteed re-election—maybe even statues for their statute.”
“Bob, I don’t remember when Congress has provided us with so much humility.”
“Or humidity, Frank. Some appear to be sweating more than others…several Politicians have already made sweeping runs to the Port-a-Potties.”
“That reminds me, Bob. We want to acknowledge Congressional Pages for doing a great job running Gatorade out to those Politicians on the field. Look at all those empty paper cups under that Minnesota senator.”
“I sure was surprised he finally won that election, Bob.”
“So was he. Today, all of America is either energized or frantic, Frank—but everyone is surprised. Well, here comes the Marine Corps Band for the national anthem. I understand Lee Greenwood will sing. Both teams are on their feet…how ‘bout those new jerseys on Congress?”
“How ‘bout those Congressmen from New Jersey? The blimp is over our legislators now, Bob. Not the usual C-Span appearance for you viewers at home…”
• Starting at their own 49-yard line, defending the Visitors goal, are 535 folding chairs in 11 rows stretching across the field; senior members sit to the rear, freshman up front. They all wear red, white and blue jerseys; their name is on the back, their state on the front, their number determined by seniority. Senators have a different sleeve pattern.
• Red Astroturf fills the wide aisle that splits Congress in half—regardless of party.
• The scene from above shows two runners of Astroturf leading away from Congress, toward the Home Team goal line, like branches of the same red tree.
• The first runner angles to the 40-yard line: A group sits atop a padded bench in black jerseys, numbered 1-9. At the feet of the Supreme Court lies a first down chain.
• The second red runner travels across the field to the 35-yard line: A solitary man sits atop a swivel barstool, his sleeves rolled up. Nearby, an army officer holds a special football and five men with sunglasses surround a fast golf cart. The president waves at the blimp with both hands as the sky closes in on him.
“There goes the roof, Frank. I guess we’re ready to get this show underway—do I see some empty chairs out there among the Politicians? Forget it, Frank…let’s sing.”
• The applause following the Star Spangled Banner lasts almost ten minutes and the Patriots are energized by passion.
• The Politicians? Many have no dreams for the stars still spangling our banner—and they can’t fool those who do. At Camp Constitution they look like they feel—out of place.
• In another country the atmosphere might be that of a Muslim stoning under Sharia Law; or of the short story assigned in American Literature courses, The Lottery.
• But these fans are—like America itself—mostly modern, mostly Christian, and optimistic by nature. Relief fills the air, not revenge.
• No harm will come to these political players in the name of God or government.
• Prison is not out of the question.
• It is a simple and peaceful gathering of the few accountable to the many.
“You know, Frank, if this is all about accountability these Washington Politicians sure are lucky they were born here in the United States of America.”
“You do know that even if they weren’t born here they can still play with the Politicians. They just can’t quarterback from the White House.”
“I mean we don’t share the history of African nations or even Mexico, where leaders—well, frankly, Frank, where they have often been mourned as they leave office early. Let us pray…”
• Unrepentant stadium workers open the roof during the invocation—only Congress is bathed in a beam of twilight as a hundred thousand Patriots ask aloud for the strength to…forgive those who have trespassed against us…
“Amen. Frank, that was…amazing.”
“Grace, Bob…pure grace.”
“Do I still see empty chairs out on the field, Frank?”
“That’s right, Bob, Congress is not all together there…I might add the opposing team traveled from Mosteverytown, USA and all of them made it on time.”
“Frank, I count about a dozen no shows here at Camp Constitution. We all know two Politicians are so ill they can’t read the bills set before them…”
“Boy, I could go far with that one, Bob…but what about those other no-shows?”
“The CIA believes four Politicians and a boatload of Czars chartered a jet from Montreal to Moscow.”
“Heckuva a carbon footprint, Bob…”
“Two more have been spotted outside the country—in Venezuela and San Francisco…”
“This just in, Bob. Let me summarize the news article…A Congressman and a Senator, both from New England…last seen driving an SUV into Boston’s Big Dig. Fellow travelers were identified as executives of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac along with the missing Home Mortgage Czar. Police have found the car—no Czar, no Politicians...no baggage.”
“Frank, the purpose of Camp Constitution is to school Congress on our founding documents before the next election season. You figure some Politicians are scared of this Patriot team?”
“They probably didn’t want to answer the Big Question, Bob. I have a copy of it here somewhere…it’s multiple choice…as the viewers know each member of Congress had to answer the Big Question prior to kick-off—that answer determines their field position….”
“These Politicians have a personal digital assistant hanging around their necks, Frank. It’s how they’ll answer to the American people and receive orders on the field.”
“Frank, these fans sure like the emcee for the first quarter. I understand Regis Philbin will take over the second quarter. For now, here comes Alex Trebek riding onto the field atop a Segway with an attached podium—a lot of jealous Politicians, Frank.”
“He’ll kick things off by reading the Big Question from a card...there’s the whistle.”
• Which statement best describes the United States of America?
• 1. The United States is a representative republic.
• 2. The United States is a democracy.
• 3. The United States was a representative republic, but is now overwhelmed by recent traditions in education, media, and politics claiming The United States is a democracy.
• 4. The United States is no longer a Christian nation, a capitalist nation, nor a good nation; but in need of change, re-making and repentance for all of its horrible history.
“Obviously, Bob…if our kids come out of school with number four in their heads, they won’t be looking out for number one…”
“Whew, that sure was a Big Question, Frank. Let’s see what kind of yardage these Politician gained with their answers…”
• The few who picked number 4 are pushed back to their own goal line, a total loss.
• Those Politicians who picked number 3 make it halfway to the goal line.
• Those who picked number 2 sit in place—no gain.
• Those Politicians who think the United States is number 1 are first and goal.
“Whoa, there’s a scuffle on the field, Frank. From here it looks like a long-time senator ripping into a junior representative…”
“Bob, it seems the senator was addressed as Ma’am and she took offense, claiming she had worked hard for her starting position with the Washington Politicians—call her Senator. The young representative said something about screwing up the whole team…and we saw the rest.”
“The official program has us watching an instructional video while the Politicians reposition after kick-off. One of my favorites, Frank: Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.”
• Over two days half of Congress endures 5 minutes of 30-second questions and 30-second answers. They sit alone at a table of microphones on the 50-yard line.
• The Sergeant-at-Arms from the House and Senate rotate large bingo drums from which they randomly select ten Patriots at a time. Cameras zoom in on their seat—they are projected onto flat screens directly in front of the Politician during the confirmation.
• The Politicians then speak freely for 5 minutes on why they should continue to play for the Washington Politicians and what they think of the official playbook designed by charter team members; Madison, Monroe, Hamilton and others.
• As Politicians speak of themselves and the Constitution there are 100,000 Patriots pushing red or green buttons. Red is Retire. Green is Return.
• A map of the USA lights up green or red, state-by-state, as Patriots vote.
• Camp Constitution rules require a Politician to score regardless of the Patriot vote.
• Throughout the first half a John Wayne impersonator throws yellow flags from a horse.
• At the two-minute warning no Politician is close to scoring with the American people.
“Too bad about all those penalty flags during the first half, Bob. There are some decent men and women in Congress, but those team penalties…what hurt them the most?”
“All of Congress lost ten yards for confirming tax cheats into the government—and they were thrown back another 10 yards for not impeaching tax cheats already in the government.”
“There’s another scuffle, Bob. This one in the stands—what do we have up there?”
“By their T-shirts it looks like Animal House, Frank—it’s the Florida section. It seems there’s a confrontation between a Seminole and a Gator…now under control.”
“Handcuffs on a Seminole and a Tasered Gator…De javu, Bob.”
“You speak French, Frank?”
“Montpelier, Bob. That’s about it. Vermont doesn’t seem so enthused about this game...”
“That’s true Frank, but look at all those Cheese Heads from Wisconsin; some have T-shirts with Congress has Aged Poorly. There’s even a snow-making machine for Green Bay fans.”
“Texas T-shirts read, This Congress: NOT America’s Team.”
“I see Term Limit Towels waving around the Pennsylvania section—I understand the 82nd has set up a holding cell in the parking lot for Philadelphia fans…”
“Speaking of PA, I saw a cartoon about Congress running the 1970s Steelers: Rocky Blier snaps the ball to Mean Joe Green while Lynn Swan blocks and Terry Bradshaw anchors the goal line defense...it asks, How many Super Bowls would Congress have won?”
“Frank, I like those Tennessee shirts reminding Congress they can Volunteer to go home.”
“Regis Philbin is now modeling the official T-shirt for Camp Constitution, 2010. The message is split between Jefferson’s likeness on the front, Teddy Roosevelt’s on the back: When in the course of human events a government becomes oppressive…go Camping with the Constitution.”
“Bob, there was a movement from the Midwest, Nebraska maybe—they wanted to rename jock straps as Congressional Supporters, wave them around the stadium. I’m told a fear of the unclean surfaced…so the idea was scrubbed.”
“Frank, look over at the blonde near the top of the Oklahoma section. Her T-shirt is easy to read: Say OK to the FairTax—Sooner the Better. Do we have a report on those two Politicians carried off during the kick-off return?”
“One bad ticker, Bob, and one bad taco. Clean-up at the forty-seven yard line…”
“Whoa, Frank. Here comes a Streaker onto the field—from the California section it looks like. Oh, no. He’s approaching the president…”
“Yikes, Bob, I’ve never seen one Taser fired from a sniper rifle, but three at once…”
“Frank, the president doesn’t even have to be here. We should hand it to him and the Supreme Court, volunteering to observe. I understand the vice-president is hanging out with FEMA back in DC. You know, should our government cease to exist as we’ve known it...”
“Almost got there last year, Bob. Funny what saved us, huh? Congress not bothering to read the bills they passed.”
“That five-four vote in the Supreme Court upholding Camp Constitution will go down with the Bush-Gore decision...”
“Go down like that taco at midfield for half the country—a huge relief for the rest of us…”
“Why, Bob—your politics are showing…”
“I’m here for the C-Span audience as well as ESPN. I do want to remind our viewers that two hundred Politicians and one Czar have signed up for the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition during half time.”
“Frank, I understand those Czars are in the sideline VIP box with the Cabinet Secretaries.”
“Right, Bob—they’re seated Czar, Secretary, Czar, Secretary…. Who’s up top in the luxury boxes?”
“Joint Chiefs—and veterans rotating through ten hours at a pop. World War Two vets occupy the penthouse. At least these last survivors can know they didn’t beat the Nazis just to see us turn Commie as veterans died off…Was that politically incorrect, Frank?”
“I don’t know…have all the admitted Communists left this administration? I say speak your mind before you lose it.”
“My mind or my speech? Frank, I understand Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts manage equipment for the Patriots. ACORN is busy carrying water for—some—Politicians.”
“Who’s been coaching these Politicians, Frank? It’s hard to make out over on their sideline. The hand signals are just a blur…all those dark suits are blending together.”
“According to the program, Frank, there have been 35,000 lobbyists and some thirty Czars telling our Politicians what to do this past year. The Camp Constitution Act allows just a dozen lobbyists to suit up each quarter. Unions and global warming scientists will rotate through...”
“Who’s been telling the Patriots what to do over this past year?”
“No one, Bob, but—I suppose to taunt the other team—these Patriots elected to have a dozen talk-radio hosts and several best-selling authors on their sideline for the duration. Talk radio has been a game-changer for these Politicians over the years. This group is very loyal to the Constitution…they even refused to shake hands with the Czars before the game.”
“Yeah, one cable network, the same one that sells presidential memorabilia in their lobby, they’re treating it as a diplomatic snub, like we have real Czars…time for a song, Frank?”
“Twinkle, twinkle little Czar, how we wonder Why you are, up above congress so high, like dictators to us guys…twinkle, twinkle little Czar, how we wonder Who you are…”
“Why so many Czars last year, Bob? It’s not even listed on the team roster. Seems like these Politicians have learned from different game films than the rest of us, Bob.”
“More like altered game films: Some Politicians can’t win until they alter facts and history.”
“It’s like they read a different Constitution, Bob. Study a different American history, have different American dreams and memories…”
“Those are different wars, Frank—memories and dreams.”
“Lights and sirens, Bob. Regis has the last question for this half—the score remains unchanged—no Politicians have been traded to the Home Team…”
“More—and different—bells and whistles, Frank…”
“It’s the Hail Mary, Bob. The one answer a Politician can give to guarantee a touchdown for the American people…no matter their field position. Let’s see how they do…shhh.”
• Congress can best promote prosperity, freedom and honest politics by:
• 1. Reforming Social Security, Medicare and all other bloated Federal programs.
• 2. Sponsoring ever more Campaign Finance Reform.
• 3. Nationalizing health care, manufacturing, banking, education and the Internet.
• 4. Passing the FairTax bill (H.R. 25) and abolishing the IRS.
“That’s the first official mention of the FairTax, Bob. Look at all those flags waving.”
“Bob, you’d think the Patriots up in the stands were celebrating the Fourth of July…right here in the middle of August.”
“Frank, in the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a FairTax supporter for ten years. If enough of these Washington Politicians are now willing to use this play…”
“I’d say the FairTax and the forward pass are similar, Bob—how about you?”
“Game changers…Mosteverytown will breath a sigh of relief at the passing of the IRS.”
“Holy tax aversion, Bob…will you look at all the people standing up—and that many Politicians standing up with them. How ‘bout that banner, Bob, dropping down above the tunnel: Welcome Back to Your Home Team.”
“Humbling, Bob…all those Politicians losing their fear of losing power. Shall we sing?”
“For the lobbyists, Frank, and for the IRS, withholding, ten-forty forms, and April 15…”
“Turn out the lights, the party’s over…”
“Looks like hundreds in Congress are fed up with federal shenanigans, Frank. They’re folding up their chairs and taking them home. They must have all read the FairTax books—maybe even the bill…. Can you get a count on Congress?”
“Count on Congress? Hardly…that’s why we’re here! Oh—sorry. No numbers, Bob—too many charging the goal line at once. They’ve disappeared in the tunnel. The rest of Congress ran out the other way—gone.”
“Look up there on the big screen: The scoreboard will be updated after halftime festivities”
“We won’t know the score here today, Bob, but we do know the quickest way for Politicians to score big with the American people.”
“After a little study, Frank, it seems Americans understand that the FairTax may be the only way to save the collective soul of Congress…”
• Half time opens with a concert. One video screen shows a montage of Americana, another recent political campaigns: Ted Nugent sings, don’t you go changing…to try and please me… followed by Motor City Madhouse—a tribute to his hometown Detroit.
• Texas wins the USDA Parking Lot BBQ Competition as a brisket edges out North Carolina pulled pork. Vermont’s tofu grill sampler comes in last.
• Jon Voight is set to update the scoreboard after his dramatic reading of Presidential quips and quotes—he refuses a teleprompter.
• The scoreboard is updated to read…
• The scoreboard reads…
The old quarterback on the front porch drops the ball…all at once. Browne leaves his phone number on the box he delivered. He writes, I want to know what happens next.
In the morning Browne watches muted town hall highlights while he listens to God Bless the USA. Citizens sound off silently about freedom and maybe even health care as Lee Greenwood ticks off two neighbors—four others sing along. The phone rings without notice.
The old man’s message on voicemail: “Don’t know what happens next…that’s when you woke me up. There’s a Tea Party in Washington tomorrow. If you’re willing to drive all night I’ll be on the porch after noon today. Wake me up—we might find out what happens next….”
Browne feels so good he knocks out fifty push-ups before calling in sick for the day.
Later, Browne writes it down: Their conversation and the dream. One worth sharing.
“It just came to me. It’s about their excess in general—their recess in August.”
“Who’s that, sir? Your great-grandkids?”
“No, Congress. My little brother went to one of those Town Hall meetings—now on TV they call him a Nazi. Way back when, Tommy killed boatloads of Nazis—Tommy was a Torpedoman second class. Last month he wanted to know about his new hip. Do they call him a veteran? No, a dad gum Brown Shirt—no offense, driver. Sure be nice if we could get the whole lot of them on the fifty-yard line in front of God and everybody—you offended by God?”
“No sir…never left Alabama.” Browne still thinks his delivery is disturbing the man. “Please sign here, sir.” He makes it easy on the elderly, “You don’t have to read it first...”
“That’s how they got in trouble—they didn’t bother reading things first.”
“Who’s that, sir?”
“Congress...wake up, will you? I’m the one just woke up…and I had a dream, a real one. We could save the country if—you like America, right?”
Browne describes the lump in his throat when Lee Greenwood sings God Bless the U.S.A.
The old timer catches the young man admiring woodwork on the porch. “My father built this house before he went off to fight Germans—that first time. He came home to have a big family. Four of us went off to fight Germans—that second time.”
“What unit were you with?”
“Those are memories son, we’re talking about a dream: Different wars—memories and dreams. Look here,” the old man drops the box he signed for to pick up a football signed by a young Bear Bryant, “I got a whole bunch of memories about America, now I got this dream for her. Can you sit a while…before it leaves me? It’s funny sometimes. But you’re busy…”
Browne sits and wonders aloud how many stories a century-old house might have.
“Stories come over time,” more than eighty years of it says. “You might hear the same story—even a bald-faced lie—ten times before you believe it’s real. But a dream…that’s thrown at you all at once.”
To get young Browne’s attention the old man fiddles with the football. He spins it left and he spins it right, and then…he throws it at him all at once. With three Purple Hearts from FDR and two MVPs from the SEC, the elderly patriot begins sharing his dream in bullets; throwing pigskin to make a point, “Hope you catch on…”
• A lottery brings 100,000 voters to a joint session of Congress in a football stadium.
• It’s near sundown on a dog day in 2010 and re-election campaigns are...suspended.
• Voters have all had 3 months to prepare for 5 days of fast questions and short answers.
• Anxious citizens will find out during recess if politicians are…smarter than fifth-graders.
• C-Span and ESPN-2 have exclusive broadcast rights to Camp Constitution 2010.
• FEMA is back in DC. This crowd is responsible; they shy away from F—Agencies.
• Thirteen discreet paragraphs hidden like the cash in the Cash for Clunkers Law make Camp Constitution possible: No one understood the entire bill, but it became law.
• The Constitution is displayed high on big screens visible and indivisible…for all.
• Congress is seated midfield on folding chairs; ready to move when the whistle blows.
• State by state the people sit comfortably between Congress and the Constitution.
• Kick-off is 20 minutes away: The rules of the game are still secret—scoring unknown.
• Without explanation the scoreboard reads: Home: 0 Visitors: 535
• Broadcasters in pre-pre-season form describe one team on the field, another in the stands.
“Welcome everyone to the well-established Washington Politicians versus the upstart Mosteverytown Patriots. As you know, Jim, it’s the first-ever away game for Congress. They sure look intimidated down there on the field—what do you think, Bob?”
“Well, Frank, these Politicians are out numbered…and probably confused. The rules of the game won’t be posted until just before kick-off and what’s the message on that scoreboard? Have the Politicians already won before the game begins? That’s not right?”
“It’s…snot, Bob. An unidentified source in the locker room tells me this will turn out to be a pre-election draft and trade situation—that’s the game. Politicians who score with the American people will be traded to the Home Team…until November, then re-elected. Politicians who don’t score will run out their present contracts in Washington, then retire or face being cut from the team. What kind of score do you think Americans want out of this contest, Bob?”
“Frankly, Frank, I believe it’s a win-win situation for the Patriots. Americans realize that the Politicians record would greatly improve with a roster of randomly selected citizens.
“No doubt this Washington team needs time to rebuild, Bob—strengthen their foundation in traditional plays.”
“Certainly the Politicians ran too many sneaks last year—really stirred up these Patriots for the big game in November. Frank, these teams only meet every two years…”
“Mosteverytown could build confidence this week, maybe learn they can control Politicians in future contests. Better yet, Bob, maybe Washington will learn they’re not meant to control Mosteverytown, and certainly not by ignoring the playbook.”
“The Communist Manifesto, Frank—that’s the playbook meant to control a people. It hasn’t fielded a serious team since the Soviet Union broke apart.”
“It’s not as if our American playbook is a secret document, Bob. Or a living document…”
“I agree with you on the Constitution, Frank, apparently not enough Politicians…”
“These Patriots have traveled from fifty states to confront Congress over the Constitution. The results are non-binding, Bob; replacing Politicians like this is, well, unconstitutional.”
“That’s right, Frank, but thanks to Cash for Clunkers this whole week is legal, to be played out right there on the fifty-yard line in front of God and everybody…I can say that, right?”
“Feel free, Frank. I’m sure God watches C-Span. For those of you tuned to ESPN the blimp is also above us, hovering over the parking lot and National Guard City, set up during the last three days. Boy…that’s the American Spirit in olive drab.”
• Outside the stadium the 82nd Airborne provides security, as they now do for national disasters—including Congress. The Red Cross passes out comfortable blankets, McDonalds…hamburgers, and Nathan’s…hot dogs. Food trailers surround the small city of giant tents where Patriots and Politicians bunk together. No one leaves the parking lot during breaks.
• Inside the stadium Port-a-Potties grace the sidelines, two for each Congressional row. No one leaves the field during play.
“Bob, as promised the rules are now posted on the Camp Constitution website: Only a couple of printed pages—and that’s during a joint session of Congress, wow!”
“We really have to compliment retired coach Lou Holtz for organizing this effort. His love of football and the Constitution has really brought this week together. Good pick by the Legion."
• The American Legion has composed a series of multiple-choice questions for Congress.
• Politicians have a 30-second clock to answer. Patriots grade the answers on the spot.
• Politicians will gain and lose yards, score, or get sacked based on their answers.
• Politicians are guaranteed to score with the right answer to the one Hail Mary question.
“What if these Politicians—lie—when they answer, Frank?”
“They can sit, stand, or lie, Bob…as long as they tell the truth. The organizers of Camp Constitution, like the Tea Party movement, contend that Washington is systematically cheating Mosteverytown—constitutionally speaking. Americans are used to playing fair, Bob.”
“To catch the liars, Frank, we won’t use instant replays…we have extant replays.”
“John Wayne asked the definition of that word, extant, in his last movie…I forget it now.”
“It means existing, Bob. Politicians will be subjected to all existing and relevant replays of their speeches and political statements over the years. We call the archive, YouLiedTube.”
“We’ll see how this plays out in November. Not so far away is it…Jim? You’ve been quiet.”
“Yes—No, sir. I mean you’re right, Mister…Frank, or Bob. We’ll just see how many Politicians down on that outfield will be sent back to the minor leagues. Back to Mosteverytown where they came from— not everyone is meant for the Major Leagues…Bob.”
“That’s baseball, Jim. Why are you here again? Just who are you, Jim, and what do you do?”
“I’m the, you know…I’m the Cash for Clunkers Czar, remember me? It was just last year; my law professor got me the job… I’m assigned here for—diversity. That Clunker bill mandates that all Czars attend this joint session of, you know, Congress...”
“Well, Jim, Congress is down on the field and that’s where Czars belong—right Bob?”
“That’s right, Frank. Here’s the door, Jim. There’s a headset at the thirty-yard line; we’ll call you—close the door now. Time for a song, Frank?”
“Czarry, Czarry night…”
“I don’t trust him as Czar as I can throw him, Bob.”
“Here we are, Frank, in the dark about the rules our Politicians will play by: Last thing we need is a government official right out of government school educating us about the government. There’s nothing to learn from anyway—there’s no history for this day.”
“Well, Bob, a lot of Americans try to live without history—without knowing what happened in Congress, ever, let alone last year. Can you imagine if Politicians had taken over health care?”
“Almost scared me to a death panel, Frank.”
“Committees and conferences, Bob, lobbyists and lawyers…”
“Secret money and stealthy meetings, Frank—most voters know squat about what Congress has done behind closed doors since World War Two—or since the Sixties, right to our face.”
“I see a hundred thousand voters who know all about this Congress and their history...”
• Prior to kick-off the big screens show a short television classic; most Patriots and some Politicians sing along as the stadium rocks to, I’m just a bill…from Capitol Hill…
• Fifty thousand registered voters hold winning lottery tickets for this odd American gathering. They brought 50,000 other registered voters—a lot of married couples.
• All Patriots have spent 3 months drawing one-quarter of a Senator’s salary while studying the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and selected Federalist Papers.
• Required reading also included Orwell’s books Animal Farm and 1984 as well as Ayn Rand’s ever-selling Atlas Shrugged and the two best-selling books on the FairTax.
• Suggested reading: Rules for Radicals, Silent Spring and The Communist Manifesto…any James Michener novel, two Dale Carnegie books and three Frank Capra screenplays.
• Through some algebraic formula the 100,000 are proportional to each state’s population.
• Each state and every fan casts 535 votes—an Electoral College for Congress, all at once.
“Frank, those six Politicians who wrote the legalese that got past Congress—they’re American Heroes, guaranteed re-election—maybe even statues for their statute.”
“Bob, I don’t remember when Congress has provided us with so much humility.”
“Or humidity, Frank. Some appear to be sweating more than others…several Politicians have already made sweeping runs to the Port-a-Potties.”
“That reminds me, Bob. We want to acknowledge Congressional Pages for doing a great job running Gatorade out to those Politicians on the field. Look at all those empty paper cups under that Minnesota senator.”
“I sure was surprised he finally won that election, Bob.”
“So was he. Today, all of America is either energized or frantic, Frank—but everyone is surprised. Well, here comes the Marine Corps Band for the national anthem. I understand Lee Greenwood will sing. Both teams are on their feet…how ‘bout those new jerseys on Congress?”
“How ‘bout those Congressmen from New Jersey? The blimp is over our legislators now, Bob. Not the usual C-Span appearance for you viewers at home…”
• Starting at their own 49-yard line, defending the Visitors goal, are 535 folding chairs in 11 rows stretching across the field; senior members sit to the rear, freshman up front. They all wear red, white and blue jerseys; their name is on the back, their state on the front, their number determined by seniority. Senators have a different sleeve pattern.
• Red Astroturf fills the wide aisle that splits Congress in half—regardless of party.
• The scene from above shows two runners of Astroturf leading away from Congress, toward the Home Team goal line, like branches of the same red tree.
• The first runner angles to the 40-yard line: A group sits atop a padded bench in black jerseys, numbered 1-9. At the feet of the Supreme Court lies a first down chain.
• The second red runner travels across the field to the 35-yard line: A solitary man sits atop a swivel barstool, his sleeves rolled up. Nearby, an army officer holds a special football and five men with sunglasses surround a fast golf cart. The president waves at the blimp with both hands as the sky closes in on him.
“There goes the roof, Frank. I guess we’re ready to get this show underway—do I see some empty chairs out there among the Politicians? Forget it, Frank…let’s sing.”
• The applause following the Star Spangled Banner lasts almost ten minutes and the Patriots are energized by passion.
• The Politicians? Many have no dreams for the stars still spangling our banner—and they can’t fool those who do. At Camp Constitution they look like they feel—out of place.
• In another country the atmosphere might be that of a Muslim stoning under Sharia Law; or of the short story assigned in American Literature courses, The Lottery.
• But these fans are—like America itself—mostly modern, mostly Christian, and optimistic by nature. Relief fills the air, not revenge.
• No harm will come to these political players in the name of God or government.
• Prison is not out of the question.
• It is a simple and peaceful gathering of the few accountable to the many.
“You know, Frank, if this is all about accountability these Washington Politicians sure are lucky they were born here in the United States of America.”
“You do know that even if they weren’t born here they can still play with the Politicians. They just can’t quarterback from the White House.”
“I mean we don’t share the history of African nations or even Mexico, where leaders—well, frankly, Frank, where they have often been mourned as they leave office early. Let us pray…”
• Unrepentant stadium workers open the roof during the invocation—only Congress is bathed in a beam of twilight as a hundred thousand Patriots ask aloud for the strength to…forgive those who have trespassed against us…
“Amen. Frank, that was…amazing.”
“Grace, Bob…pure grace.”
“Do I still see empty chairs out on the field, Frank?”
“That’s right, Bob, Congress is not all together there…I might add the opposing team traveled from Mosteverytown, USA and all of them made it on time.”
“Frank, I count about a dozen no shows here at Camp Constitution. We all know two Politicians are so ill they can’t read the bills set before them…”
“Boy, I could go far with that one, Bob…but what about those other no-shows?”
“The CIA believes four Politicians and a boatload of Czars chartered a jet from Montreal to Moscow.”
“Heckuva a carbon footprint, Bob…”
“Two more have been spotted outside the country—in Venezuela and San Francisco…”
“This just in, Bob. Let me summarize the news article…A Congressman and a Senator, both from New England…last seen driving an SUV into Boston’s Big Dig. Fellow travelers were identified as executives of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac along with the missing Home Mortgage Czar. Police have found the car—no Czar, no Politicians...no baggage.”
“Frank, the purpose of Camp Constitution is to school Congress on our founding documents before the next election season. You figure some Politicians are scared of this Patriot team?”
“They probably didn’t want to answer the Big Question, Bob. I have a copy of it here somewhere…it’s multiple choice…as the viewers know each member of Congress had to answer the Big Question prior to kick-off—that answer determines their field position….”
“These Politicians have a personal digital assistant hanging around their necks, Frank. It’s how they’ll answer to the American people and receive orders on the field.”
“Frank, these fans sure like the emcee for the first quarter. I understand Regis Philbin will take over the second quarter. For now, here comes Alex Trebek riding onto the field atop a Segway with an attached podium—a lot of jealous Politicians, Frank.”
“He’ll kick things off by reading the Big Question from a card...there’s the whistle.”
• Which statement best describes the United States of America?
• 1. The United States is a representative republic.
• 2. The United States is a democracy.
• 3. The United States was a representative republic, but is now overwhelmed by recent traditions in education, media, and politics claiming The United States is a democracy.
• 4. The United States is no longer a Christian nation, a capitalist nation, nor a good nation; but in need of change, re-making and repentance for all of its horrible history.
“Obviously, Bob…if our kids come out of school with number four in their heads, they won’t be looking out for number one…”
“Whew, that sure was a Big Question, Frank. Let’s see what kind of yardage these Politician gained with their answers…”
• The few who picked number 4 are pushed back to their own goal line, a total loss.
• Those Politicians who picked number 3 make it halfway to the goal line.
• Those who picked number 2 sit in place—no gain.
• Those Politicians who think the United States is number 1 are first and goal.
“Whoa, there’s a scuffle on the field, Frank. From here it looks like a long-time senator ripping into a junior representative…”
“Bob, it seems the senator was addressed as Ma’am and she took offense, claiming she had worked hard for her starting position with the Washington Politicians—call her Senator. The young representative said something about screwing up the whole team…and we saw the rest.”
“The official program has us watching an instructional video while the Politicians reposition after kick-off. One of my favorites, Frank: Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.”
• Over two days half of Congress endures 5 minutes of 30-second questions and 30-second answers. They sit alone at a table of microphones on the 50-yard line.
• The Sergeant-at-Arms from the House and Senate rotate large bingo drums from which they randomly select ten Patriots at a time. Cameras zoom in on their seat—they are projected onto flat screens directly in front of the Politician during the confirmation.
• The Politicians then speak freely for 5 minutes on why they should continue to play for the Washington Politicians and what they think of the official playbook designed by charter team members; Madison, Monroe, Hamilton and others.
• As Politicians speak of themselves and the Constitution there are 100,000 Patriots pushing red or green buttons. Red is Retire. Green is Return.
• A map of the USA lights up green or red, state-by-state, as Patriots vote.
• Camp Constitution rules require a Politician to score regardless of the Patriot vote.
• Throughout the first half a John Wayne impersonator throws yellow flags from a horse.
• At the two-minute warning no Politician is close to scoring with the American people.
“Too bad about all those penalty flags during the first half, Bob. There are some decent men and women in Congress, but those team penalties…what hurt them the most?”
“All of Congress lost ten yards for confirming tax cheats into the government—and they were thrown back another 10 yards for not impeaching tax cheats already in the government.”
“There’s another scuffle, Bob. This one in the stands—what do we have up there?”
“By their T-shirts it looks like Animal House, Frank—it’s the Florida section. It seems there’s a confrontation between a Seminole and a Gator…now under control.”
“Handcuffs on a Seminole and a Tasered Gator…De javu, Bob.”
“You speak French, Frank?”
“Montpelier, Bob. That’s about it. Vermont doesn’t seem so enthused about this game...”
“That’s true Frank, but look at all those Cheese Heads from Wisconsin; some have T-shirts with Congress has Aged Poorly. There’s even a snow-making machine for Green Bay fans.”
“Texas T-shirts read, This Congress: NOT America’s Team.”
“I see Term Limit Towels waving around the Pennsylvania section—I understand the 82nd has set up a holding cell in the parking lot for Philadelphia fans…”
“Speaking of PA, I saw a cartoon about Congress running the 1970s Steelers: Rocky Blier snaps the ball to Mean Joe Green while Lynn Swan blocks and Terry Bradshaw anchors the goal line defense...it asks, How many Super Bowls would Congress have won?”
“Frank, I like those Tennessee shirts reminding Congress they can Volunteer to go home.”
“Regis Philbin is now modeling the official T-shirt for Camp Constitution, 2010. The message is split between Jefferson’s likeness on the front, Teddy Roosevelt’s on the back: When in the course of human events a government becomes oppressive…go Camping with the Constitution.”
“Bob, there was a movement from the Midwest, Nebraska maybe—they wanted to rename jock straps as Congressional Supporters, wave them around the stadium. I’m told a fear of the unclean surfaced…so the idea was scrubbed.”
“Frank, look over at the blonde near the top of the Oklahoma section. Her T-shirt is easy to read: Say OK to the FairTax—Sooner the Better. Do we have a report on those two Politicians carried off during the kick-off return?”
“One bad ticker, Bob, and one bad taco. Clean-up at the forty-seven yard line…”
“Whoa, Frank. Here comes a Streaker onto the field—from the California section it looks like. Oh, no. He’s approaching the president…”
“Yikes, Bob, I’ve never seen one Taser fired from a sniper rifle, but three at once…”
“Frank, the president doesn’t even have to be here. We should hand it to him and the Supreme Court, volunteering to observe. I understand the vice-president is hanging out with FEMA back in DC. You know, should our government cease to exist as we’ve known it...”
“Almost got there last year, Bob. Funny what saved us, huh? Congress not bothering to read the bills they passed.”
“That five-four vote in the Supreme Court upholding Camp Constitution will go down with the Bush-Gore decision...”
“Go down like that taco at midfield for half the country—a huge relief for the rest of us…”
“Why, Bob—your politics are showing…”
“I’m here for the C-Span audience as well as ESPN. I do want to remind our viewers that two hundred Politicians and one Czar have signed up for the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition during half time.”
“Frank, I understand those Czars are in the sideline VIP box with the Cabinet Secretaries.”
“Right, Bob—they’re seated Czar, Secretary, Czar, Secretary…. Who’s up top in the luxury boxes?”
“Joint Chiefs—and veterans rotating through ten hours at a pop. World War Two vets occupy the penthouse. At least these last survivors can know they didn’t beat the Nazis just to see us turn Commie as veterans died off…Was that politically incorrect, Frank?”
“I don’t know…have all the admitted Communists left this administration? I say speak your mind before you lose it.”
“My mind or my speech? Frank, I understand Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts manage equipment for the Patriots. ACORN is busy carrying water for—some—Politicians.”
“Who’s been coaching these Politicians, Frank? It’s hard to make out over on their sideline. The hand signals are just a blur…all those dark suits are blending together.”
“According to the program, Frank, there have been 35,000 lobbyists and some thirty Czars telling our Politicians what to do this past year. The Camp Constitution Act allows just a dozen lobbyists to suit up each quarter. Unions and global warming scientists will rotate through...”
“Who’s been telling the Patriots what to do over this past year?”
“No one, Bob, but—I suppose to taunt the other team—these Patriots elected to have a dozen talk-radio hosts and several best-selling authors on their sideline for the duration. Talk radio has been a game-changer for these Politicians over the years. This group is very loyal to the Constitution…they even refused to shake hands with the Czars before the game.”
“Yeah, one cable network, the same one that sells presidential memorabilia in their lobby, they’re treating it as a diplomatic snub, like we have real Czars…time for a song, Frank?”
“Twinkle, twinkle little Czar, how we wonder Why you are, up above congress so high, like dictators to us guys…twinkle, twinkle little Czar, how we wonder Who you are…”
“Why so many Czars last year, Bob? It’s not even listed on the team roster. Seems like these Politicians have learned from different game films than the rest of us, Bob.”
“More like altered game films: Some Politicians can’t win until they alter facts and history.”
“It’s like they read a different Constitution, Bob. Study a different American history, have different American dreams and memories…”
“Those are different wars, Frank—memories and dreams.”
“Lights and sirens, Bob. Regis has the last question for this half—the score remains unchanged—no Politicians have been traded to the Home Team…”
“More—and different—bells and whistles, Frank…”
“It’s the Hail Mary, Bob. The one answer a Politician can give to guarantee a touchdown for the American people…no matter their field position. Let’s see how they do…shhh.”
• Congress can best promote prosperity, freedom and honest politics by:
• 1. Reforming Social Security, Medicare and all other bloated Federal programs.
• 2. Sponsoring ever more Campaign Finance Reform.
• 3. Nationalizing health care, manufacturing, banking, education and the Internet.
• 4. Passing the FairTax bill (H.R. 25) and abolishing the IRS.
“That’s the first official mention of the FairTax, Bob. Look at all those flags waving.”
“Bob, you’d think the Patriots up in the stands were celebrating the Fourth of July…right here in the middle of August.”
“Frank, in the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a FairTax supporter for ten years. If enough of these Washington Politicians are now willing to use this play…”
“I’d say the FairTax and the forward pass are similar, Bob—how about you?”
“Game changers…Mosteverytown will breath a sigh of relief at the passing of the IRS.”
“Holy tax aversion, Bob…will you look at all the people standing up—and that many Politicians standing up with them. How ‘bout that banner, Bob, dropping down above the tunnel: Welcome Back to Your Home Team.”
“Humbling, Bob…all those Politicians losing their fear of losing power. Shall we sing?”
“For the lobbyists, Frank, and for the IRS, withholding, ten-forty forms, and April 15…”
“Turn out the lights, the party’s over…”
“Looks like hundreds in Congress are fed up with federal shenanigans, Frank. They’re folding up their chairs and taking them home. They must have all read the FairTax books—maybe even the bill…. Can you get a count on Congress?”
“Count on Congress? Hardly…that’s why we’re here! Oh—sorry. No numbers, Bob—too many charging the goal line at once. They’ve disappeared in the tunnel. The rest of Congress ran out the other way—gone.”
“Look up there on the big screen: The scoreboard will be updated after halftime festivities”
“We won’t know the score here today, Bob, but we do know the quickest way for Politicians to score big with the American people.”
“After a little study, Frank, it seems Americans understand that the FairTax may be the only way to save the collective soul of Congress…”
• Half time opens with a concert. One video screen shows a montage of Americana, another recent political campaigns: Ted Nugent sings, don’t you go changing…to try and please me… followed by Motor City Madhouse—a tribute to his hometown Detroit.
• Texas wins the USDA Parking Lot BBQ Competition as a brisket edges out North Carolina pulled pork. Vermont’s tofu grill sampler comes in last.
• Jon Voight is set to update the scoreboard after his dramatic reading of Presidential quips and quotes—he refuses a teleprompter.
• The scoreboard is updated to read…
• The scoreboard reads…
The old quarterback on the front porch drops the ball…all at once. Browne leaves his phone number on the box he delivered. He writes, I want to know what happens next.
In the morning Browne watches muted town hall highlights while he listens to God Bless the USA. Citizens sound off silently about freedom and maybe even health care as Lee Greenwood ticks off two neighbors—four others sing along. The phone rings without notice.
The old man’s message on voicemail: “Don’t know what happens next…that’s when you woke me up. There’s a Tea Party in Washington tomorrow. If you’re willing to drive all night I’ll be on the porch after noon today. Wake me up—we might find out what happens next….”
Browne feels so good he knocks out fifty push-ups before calling in sick for the day.
500 Years of U.S. History in 50 Words
1500s
Discovery…
Scurvy
1600s
Husbandry
Monarchy
Loyalty
1700s
Tyranny
Bravery
Victory
Liberty
Novelty
1800s
Exploratory
Destiny
Slavery
Confederacy
Cavalry
Victory
Knavery
1900s
Mobility
Germany
Infantry
Victory
Generosity
Artistry
Democracy
Scarcity
Poverty
Germany
Artillery
Victory
Prosperity
Efficiency
Apathy
Mockery
Misery
Responsibility
Technology
Recovery
Diversity
Sensitivity
Sympathy
Deviancy
2000s
Decency
Vulnerability
Tragedy
Fallacy
Falsity
Bureaucracy
Poverty
Tea Party
…Liberty
Discovery…
Scurvy
1600s
Husbandry
Monarchy
Loyalty
1700s
Tyranny
Bravery
Victory
Liberty
Novelty
1800s
Exploratory
Destiny
Slavery
Confederacy
Cavalry
Victory
Knavery
1900s
Mobility
Germany
Infantry
Victory
Generosity
Artistry
Democracy
Scarcity
Poverty
Germany
Artillery
Victory
Prosperity
Efficiency
Apathy
Mockery
Misery
Responsibility
Technology
Recovery
Diversity
Sensitivity
Sympathy
Deviancy
2000s
Decency
Vulnerability
Tragedy
Fallacy
Falsity
Bureaucracy
Poverty
Tea Party
…Liberty
Don’t Know Much About Mao’s Story…
Back in November there was a rumor going around that the USA was being led by followers of Chairman Mao, late of China, author of Maoism, similar to Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism.... There was even rumor of a cell phone video to prove it, but few Americans viewed it before it was removed from the web. So, here is the video as recalled to me...recorded here in the USA, on my mind since I heard about it.
White House staffers gather in a pub somewhere on the far left side of Washington D.C. to celebrate the anniversary of their 2008 electoral victory over the American people. They sing about themselves:
Don’t know much about Mao’s story,
Don’t know Chinese tyranny,
Don’t know much about the lives he took,
But we quote from his Little Red Book…
An older gentleman with #1 Grandpa on his hat shuffles over to their table and asks, “What’s wrong with you people—don’t you know what you’re doing to the country?” Without waiting for an answer he departs with his wife on his arm. She holds back tears; she holds tight a locket.
The video continues with the White House staffers talking among themselves about themselves: It's not important what they say, but they do come to a consensus. There is nothing wrong with their way of thinking—and that they know exactly what they’re doing to that old man’s country…
There was just one voice at the end, "You better, like, delete that dude. Like, right away. Some of these people are pissed."
White House staffers gather in a pub somewhere on the far left side of Washington D.C. to celebrate the anniversary of their 2008 electoral victory over the American people. They sing about themselves:
Don’t know much about Mao’s story,
Don’t know Chinese tyranny,
Don’t know much about the lives he took,
But we quote from his Little Red Book…
An older gentleman with #1 Grandpa on his hat shuffles over to their table and asks, “What’s wrong with you people—don’t you know what you’re doing to the country?” Without waiting for an answer he departs with his wife on his arm. She holds back tears; she holds tight a locket.
The video continues with the White House staffers talking among themselves about themselves: It's not important what they say, but they do come to a consensus. There is nothing wrong with their way of thinking—and that they know exactly what they’re doing to that old man’s country…
There was just one voice at the end, "You better, like, delete that dude. Like, right away. Some of these people are pissed."
Solving the Energy Crisis One Step at a Time
It just came to me in my dog’s sleep. She’s been a squirrel chaser all her life and when she dreams I imagine she’s got a whole herd of squirrels bounding across the Serengeti—the way her legs move. That led me to a story I saw on TV today where a 95-year-old Chicagoan is the sole investor in a new energy source (that he said he hopes pays off sooner rather than later). Cushions of some sort are embedded under the pavement and when cars drive over them they compress and this movement in the cushion generates electricity. Electricity comes from the Hoover Dam because water moves. The windmills sprouting up all over—I call them Deceptocons—are supposed to create electricity because the wind blows, if…. Now, let’s see if I can tie this all together before my dog wakes up and wants me to take her for a walk.
That’s it: Walking, and its radical cousin, running. Americans spend thousands of dollars for gym memberships where they jump on perhaps millions of treadmills everyday and use electricity to walk or run.
Let me think, here. Cars travel over roadway and their weight generates electricity. People run on treadmills using electricity to lose weight. Something’s coming to me now and it’s not a pepperoni pizza. People pay for gym membership—gym supplies electricity—people pay to walk using the gym’s electricity—gym pays for electricity…. Hold on, I’m calling for a pepperoni pizza.
Ok, I have this idea, and anyone can use it, but if it makes it big try to find me and buy me a house or a treadmill or something…Ok? Here it is: A whole new chain of gyms that pay people to walk and lose weight by generating electricity with movement—just movement—like the water running through Hoover Dam and the squirrels running through my dog’s head. The faster you run the more kilowatts you make, the more the money you make, the more pizza you can eat, and so on.
I envision electricity-generating underfoot cushions throughout society. Perhaps from the end of each bar in America to the men’s room. Perhaps a card you slide at the end of the bar so the barkeep can keep tabs on your kilowatts and subtract it from your bar tab. Supermarkets can lay these cushions under the aisles in their stores. For example, at my Publix, just outside of walking distance by the way, aisle 7 is the cookie aisle, and ice cream I believe, is right down the middle, aisle 12. Imagine the extra kilowatts from the larger folks, such as myself, walking up and down those aisles. Perhaps spread the cookies out into every aisle, hidden amongst canned corn and coffee filters. Make us hunt and gather like our forefathers in the olden days and make Ben Franklin proud of our shopping and generating… Excuse me, my pizza has arrived and I don’t want the doorbell to awaken my dog, lest she want to eat my pizza and make me walk.
That’s it: Walking, and its radical cousin, running. Americans spend thousands of dollars for gym memberships where they jump on perhaps millions of treadmills everyday and use electricity to walk or run.
Let me think, here. Cars travel over roadway and their weight generates electricity. People run on treadmills using electricity to lose weight. Something’s coming to me now and it’s not a pepperoni pizza. People pay for gym membership—gym supplies electricity—people pay to walk using the gym’s electricity—gym pays for electricity…. Hold on, I’m calling for a pepperoni pizza.
Ok, I have this idea, and anyone can use it, but if it makes it big try to find me and buy me a house or a treadmill or something…Ok? Here it is: A whole new chain of gyms that pay people to walk and lose weight by generating electricity with movement—just movement—like the water running through Hoover Dam and the squirrels running through my dog’s head. The faster you run the more kilowatts you make, the more the money you make, the more pizza you can eat, and so on.
I envision electricity-generating underfoot cushions throughout society. Perhaps from the end of each bar in America to the men’s room. Perhaps a card you slide at the end of the bar so the barkeep can keep tabs on your kilowatts and subtract it from your bar tab. Supermarkets can lay these cushions under the aisles in their stores. For example, at my Publix, just outside of walking distance by the way, aisle 7 is the cookie aisle, and ice cream I believe, is right down the middle, aisle 12. Imagine the extra kilowatts from the larger folks, such as myself, walking up and down those aisles. Perhaps spread the cookies out into every aisle, hidden amongst canned corn and coffee filters. Make us hunt and gather like our forefathers in the olden days and make Ben Franklin proud of our shopping and generating… Excuse me, my pizza has arrived and I don’t want the doorbell to awaken my dog, lest she want to eat my pizza and make me walk.
Marxism in 1,140 Words Exactly, Comrade
Hold your children and wish them well. Read this together—talk of hell.
Marxism is when you live without your own life, work without your own wealth, and play without your own passions. Under Marxism students are taught without truth or reason and people die without dignity or reason. All real Americans (in the General Patton-George C. Scott sense) love to fight Marxism. It’s purgatory and not something to leave your kids.
Thankfully (?) our constitution would force any Marxist regime to take the life out of Americans with bureaucracy first. Bullets would come only later and only for some. In exactly 1,037 words you can decide if Marxism might mean a bullet for you and your children. Exactness is important under Marxism, where discretion and deviation are punished. Consider the zero-tolerance policies at some schools—exactly zero discretion and responsibility given to or needed by local deans and principals. It’s all written down; follow the policy, ignore the individual. Look to your child’s school for many examples of Marxism-Communism-Socialism in the embryonic stages.
Historically—habitually—communist leaders execute or starve, relocate and reeducate people in groups, groups that include children. Grouping is very important in Marxism. As are teachers, police, and doctors, three vital careers for peopling groups or grouping people—no inner calling needed or helpful. Marxism creates so many government jobs, but so few others, government workers are charged with, not protecting some old constitution from enemies foreign and domestic, but with protecting the current state bureaucracy from the people, groups of the people…. Communist teachers, police, and doctors find success by promoting Leaders with pledges, songs, and stories, not with a love of knowledge, service, or healing. The false history, the single bullet, the rationed and incomplete healthcare—tell your children not to take it personally in the years to come. Those teachers, police and doctors will be doing the state’s work, by God….
Joseph Stalin was a bureaucrat before he was a killer. Only as a Soviet bureaucrat could he manipulate circumstances into mass murder, deaths into strategy. Stalin was a founding father of the Soviet Union and retained power for 30 years (When George Washington left highest office after just eight years he astonished the peasants and Czars of his day—and our congress today). Stalin changed language requirements for whole ethnic groups just to change back after a few years. He moved other groups (always groups) to frozen Siberia in trains and left them alone to die. Stalin confiscated every animal and tractor in vast areas of the Soviet Union, and had starving farmers shot for violating travel restrictions. His portraits were everywhere, his likeness saluted. Songs were written about Stalin; books were written for him, a peace prize named after him. The Soviet Union (but not Marxism) dissolved after just 75 years: Millions of communist citizens died because of the Hitler-Stalin Pact, thoughtless 5-year economic plans, and disastrous agricultural reforms. They died digging canals by hand; and they were shot for having too much wheat on hand. People were arrested, really tortured (how George Patton might define torture), tried by bureaucrats and many sentenced by Stalin himself. They confessed to a wide variety of crimes against the state on camera in courtrooms, often shot the same day. Their families received death certificates years later with fictional prison sentences and causes of death. This was possible because Soviet bureaucrats manipulated reality. Citizens lived hopelessly in ignorance—without truth or trust. Some loyal communists lost in their own bureaucracy remembered their Leader before their death, saying, “If only Comrade Stalin knew what was happening to me…” Stalin’s atrocities were ignored or downplayed up to his death; but within three years Stalin was denounced, then forgotten by officials in the USSR and college professors in the USA. President Washington was remembered fondly on his birthday for almost two centuries until, unbelievably, Americans chose to forget about Washington—like the Soviets did Stalin—but why?
History as a weapon can change a country. Why do our kids first think, He owned slaves, when they hear Washington’s name? Why do they stare blankly if asked about Stalin? Why do American textbooks still deny Soviet agents flooded Washington D.C. during the New Deal and again with the Second World War? Americans use history to celebrate, to honor, and to learn from life, not to manipulate it: Marxists use American history as a weapon—against America. The authors Haynes and Klehr document two interesting points about America and communism in their 2002 book, In Denial. First, since 1972 America’s two major historical journals had not published one anti-communist article…. Wow. Second, in the early 1930s many radical American Finns immigrated to Karelia, the Soviet Union’s borderland with Finland. During Stalin’s 1938 purge at least 141 former Americans were executed. Buried in mass graves, some had been born in Wisconsin, Michigan and California. One had traveled with her parents as a teenager. At 22 she was shot in the back of the head: Among the crimes cited by the police, she had “praised life in capitalist countries.” She’d been born in Minnesota, last name of Hill.
Just 50 years after Washington died, about 90 years before Stalin ordered those misguided Americans executed, another man—largely just one man—thought up Marxism as a way of life. Karl Marx thought ill of free-market capitalism and theorized on how to cure it: Marx knew how to overthrow capitalism with radical communism—he just didn’t know how to make communism work because it doesn’t. His theory that all history is based on economics led Marx to write the Communist Manifesto and to ignore individual success in history. The Great Man Theory of History (where we have learned of great men such as Washington) has no place in Marxist schools. Where capitalism thrives on great individuals, Marxism thrives greatly off individuals, once they become anonymous groups working for the state.
Marxist ideology led Stalin to kill millions of fellow Soviets and Mao to kill even more millions of Chinese, while Pol Pot killed far fewer millions of Cambodians and Castro killed mere thousands of fellow Cubans. Che Guevara was a cold-blooded executioner for a communist state near Florida: But California and New York have both promoted and ignored Marxism better than any of our universities. Ignorance is not a crime—but it should be in college and Hollywood.
Tell your children that under Marxism freedom is taken away until the government changes, but more important, under capitalism freedom is taken for granted until the government changes everything. Let them know Americans constantly create their governments while communists sometimes survive their government. Under capitalism Americans have to accept personal responsibility. Under communism Americans would have to accept the bullet below…or another.
• I must live for the state so the state will let me live
Marxism is when you live without your own life, work without your own wealth, and play without your own passions. Under Marxism students are taught without truth or reason and people die without dignity or reason. All real Americans (in the General Patton-George C. Scott sense) love to fight Marxism. It’s purgatory and not something to leave your kids.
Thankfully (?) our constitution would force any Marxist regime to take the life out of Americans with bureaucracy first. Bullets would come only later and only for some. In exactly 1,037 words you can decide if Marxism might mean a bullet for you and your children. Exactness is important under Marxism, where discretion and deviation are punished. Consider the zero-tolerance policies at some schools—exactly zero discretion and responsibility given to or needed by local deans and principals. It’s all written down; follow the policy, ignore the individual. Look to your child’s school for many examples of Marxism-Communism-Socialism in the embryonic stages.
Historically—habitually—communist leaders execute or starve, relocate and reeducate people in groups, groups that include children. Grouping is very important in Marxism. As are teachers, police, and doctors, three vital careers for peopling groups or grouping people—no inner calling needed or helpful. Marxism creates so many government jobs, but so few others, government workers are charged with, not protecting some old constitution from enemies foreign and domestic, but with protecting the current state bureaucracy from the people, groups of the people…. Communist teachers, police, and doctors find success by promoting Leaders with pledges, songs, and stories, not with a love of knowledge, service, or healing. The false history, the single bullet, the rationed and incomplete healthcare—tell your children not to take it personally in the years to come. Those teachers, police and doctors will be doing the state’s work, by God….
Joseph Stalin was a bureaucrat before he was a killer. Only as a Soviet bureaucrat could he manipulate circumstances into mass murder, deaths into strategy. Stalin was a founding father of the Soviet Union and retained power for 30 years (When George Washington left highest office after just eight years he astonished the peasants and Czars of his day—and our congress today). Stalin changed language requirements for whole ethnic groups just to change back after a few years. He moved other groups (always groups) to frozen Siberia in trains and left them alone to die. Stalin confiscated every animal and tractor in vast areas of the Soviet Union, and had starving farmers shot for violating travel restrictions. His portraits were everywhere, his likeness saluted. Songs were written about Stalin; books were written for him, a peace prize named after him. The Soviet Union (but not Marxism) dissolved after just 75 years: Millions of communist citizens died because of the Hitler-Stalin Pact, thoughtless 5-year economic plans, and disastrous agricultural reforms. They died digging canals by hand; and they were shot for having too much wheat on hand. People were arrested, really tortured (how George Patton might define torture), tried by bureaucrats and many sentenced by Stalin himself. They confessed to a wide variety of crimes against the state on camera in courtrooms, often shot the same day. Their families received death certificates years later with fictional prison sentences and causes of death. This was possible because Soviet bureaucrats manipulated reality. Citizens lived hopelessly in ignorance—without truth or trust. Some loyal communists lost in their own bureaucracy remembered their Leader before their death, saying, “If only Comrade Stalin knew what was happening to me…” Stalin’s atrocities were ignored or downplayed up to his death; but within three years Stalin was denounced, then forgotten by officials in the USSR and college professors in the USA. President Washington was remembered fondly on his birthday for almost two centuries until, unbelievably, Americans chose to forget about Washington—like the Soviets did Stalin—but why?
History as a weapon can change a country. Why do our kids first think, He owned slaves, when they hear Washington’s name? Why do they stare blankly if asked about Stalin? Why do American textbooks still deny Soviet agents flooded Washington D.C. during the New Deal and again with the Second World War? Americans use history to celebrate, to honor, and to learn from life, not to manipulate it: Marxists use American history as a weapon—against America. The authors Haynes and Klehr document two interesting points about America and communism in their 2002 book, In Denial. First, since 1972 America’s two major historical journals had not published one anti-communist article…. Wow. Second, in the early 1930s many radical American Finns immigrated to Karelia, the Soviet Union’s borderland with Finland. During Stalin’s 1938 purge at least 141 former Americans were executed. Buried in mass graves, some had been born in Wisconsin, Michigan and California. One had traveled with her parents as a teenager. At 22 she was shot in the back of the head: Among the crimes cited by the police, she had “praised life in capitalist countries.” She’d been born in Minnesota, last name of Hill.
Just 50 years after Washington died, about 90 years before Stalin ordered those misguided Americans executed, another man—largely just one man—thought up Marxism as a way of life. Karl Marx thought ill of free-market capitalism and theorized on how to cure it: Marx knew how to overthrow capitalism with radical communism—he just didn’t know how to make communism work because it doesn’t. His theory that all history is based on economics led Marx to write the Communist Manifesto and to ignore individual success in history. The Great Man Theory of History (where we have learned of great men such as Washington) has no place in Marxist schools. Where capitalism thrives on great individuals, Marxism thrives greatly off individuals, once they become anonymous groups working for the state.
Marxist ideology led Stalin to kill millions of fellow Soviets and Mao to kill even more millions of Chinese, while Pol Pot killed far fewer millions of Cambodians and Castro killed mere thousands of fellow Cubans. Che Guevara was a cold-blooded executioner for a communist state near Florida: But California and New York have both promoted and ignored Marxism better than any of our universities. Ignorance is not a crime—but it should be in college and Hollywood.
Tell your children that under Marxism freedom is taken away until the government changes, but more important, under capitalism freedom is taken for granted until the government changes everything. Let them know Americans constantly create their governments while communists sometimes survive their government. Under capitalism Americans have to accept personal responsibility. Under communism Americans would have to accept the bullet below…or another.
• I must live for the state so the state will let me live
Congress in the Spring Semester
Here in Gainesville our Florida Gators start the Spring Semester next month—after Christmas Vacation, before the National Championship Game (This time of year I find the words Winter Break more offensive than Crimson Tide or Long Horn). Speaking of being offended, how has congress made you feel lately? Are they lacking in job skills or just using the wrong skills very well? Is it their job performance, or more likely, their education that threatens our Republic? If our public servants have forgotten, or never learned, how to do good things for their own country, they should go back to school. Like our own children, congress ought to learn about good things…and their own country. I would propose a GI Bill for Congress but that would offend GIs named Bill.
First, let’s look at a few college courses offered to people who vote for congress. Then, we’ll consider courses valid for congress. What can an 18-year-old voter learn during their first semester away from home? I warn you, college course catalogues read like a detailed map of Texas: When you see the name of some college courses—like some small Texas towns—you’ll pause to wonder who came up with that idea and what they were thinking. Here is a sampling of university courses from the book Indoctrination U (2007) by David Horowitz. Quotes and descriptions come from the professors or course catalogues:
• “Contemporary China” where the instructor intends to demonstrate “…why Mao was a great figure.”
• “Why Do They Hate Us?: Perspectives on 9/11” and “From Harems to Terrorists: Representing the Middle East in Hollywood Cinema,” taught by the same instructor, the latter course “broadly examines the ideologies that justify anti-Arab racism and U.S.-led wars in the middle East.”
• “Feminism after 9/11,” a subject the students “have responded really well to…”
• “Cultures of U.S. Imperialism,” a 19th century course that nonetheless will echo “Bush’s early…rhetoric.”
• “Modern Marxist Theory,” is “designed to give students the ability to apply Marx’s theoretical and methodological insights to the study of current topics of theoretical and political importance.” [Sorry, but I had to type this last description—you only had to read it, and you may have just skimmed it. Please, read it again.]
• “Communication and Social Change” offers…[It can’t be good for the country.]
What if all of Congress were to stop working (some of them will next year, you know) and go back to school for a semester? It’s another American rite of passage lost on the career politician. Congress could pretend to know what the rest of us do—that the 50 states would get along just fine without them for several months (think D.C. before A/C).
It seems congress could use a refresher course on the Constitution: It does contain the original and only permanent job description for congress. Any other rules and duties have been created by some previous congress and, if bad for our country, can be changed by some future congress. Probably not a congress brought up on the above-mentioned curriculum, and probably not the current congress as they’ve so far demonstrated their understanding of the Constitution.
So, let’s consider a sampling of courses that might be offered to congress in the Spring Semester. The instructors named below would have to agree, and a suitable campus would have to be found. I propose the brand new but unoccupied prison in America’s Heartland where congress wants to house terrorists now at Guantanamo: Men who dream of dying while killing Americans and who only associate with like-minded people. Rather than a radical Muslim enclave, small as it may be, I’m sure the local residents would rather have the American Congressional Laissez-faire University (ACLU) in their backyard. Congress could live in the cells (have you seen the size of a dorm room lately) while attending classes. They could be offered one-on-one tutoring after hours from congressional staffing funds: Each evening a checkpoint on the nearest Interstate could bring the first 535 qualified tutors willing to sit and read the Constitution in English to a member of congress for $30/hour—it doesn’t take all night. Each morning politicians should come to class with pen and paper or receive a zero for the day. Members of congress who fail courses may try again in a short summer session, just two months before their fall election—or their electoral fall. Grades will be the traditional A-F and will be posted on the Internet along with a final 30-page paper on the topic: “Limited Government and You, Politicians Helping Politicians: A Twelve Step Program for America.” Congressmen must take four courses to be considered full time and draw their full salaries.
• “American Freedom: On Loan From God, 1776-????” surveys United States History through the 2008 election compared to the single year 2009. Due to our founding as a nation, God will be mentioned in class on several occasions. Open Podium Fridays will allow students to express and or defend themselves. Only valid arguments, as determined by Associate Professor Bo Snerdley, will be allowed. Instructor: Rush Limbaugh.
• “America on Loan” shreds Marxist philosophy and illustrates how the United States saved the “Cradle of Western Civilization” from totalitarianism twice in the last 100 years and much of Europe from communism over the last 60 years. Instr: Mark Steyn.
• “Celebrity Round Table: The American Wilderness Redux” uses 29 visiting celebrities who will attempt to read the Constitution in public and explain how American celebrities overtook American Heroes in the American mind; how basic life skills and personal responsibility have been mocked in the media; and why American children grow up to expose themselves completely on camera. Primary Instr: Paris Hilton.
• “The Hoaxes of Hollywood 1945-2009” surveys the history of Hollywood’s political storytelling from the Alger Hiss Was Not a Soviet Spy Story through the Creative Saga of Global Warming. Marketing campaigns for global warming and blockbuster science fiction movies will be compared. Students must write three biographies of the 300 or so Soviet agents identified from the New Deal era and WWII. Instr: Ann Coulter.
• “Teaching America about America” uses a chalkboard, a white board and common sense to lead students through the rise of progressivism and the harm it has brought our Constitution and the Republic. Food and drink permitted in class. Instructor: Glenn Beck.
• “United States Hysteria, Aug 2008 to Present,” Media clips and common sense will be used to show media bias. Delusions of competence in the U.S. media will be compared to those in the U.S. Congress. Instr: Sarah Palin. (Book signings after each class.)
• “Why Congress Fears the FairTax” details the most researched bill, H.R. 25 (134 pages), ever in congress—the best good thing they could do for their country. Instr: Neal Boortz
First, let’s look at a few college courses offered to people who vote for congress. Then, we’ll consider courses valid for congress. What can an 18-year-old voter learn during their first semester away from home? I warn you, college course catalogues read like a detailed map of Texas: When you see the name of some college courses—like some small Texas towns—you’ll pause to wonder who came up with that idea and what they were thinking. Here is a sampling of university courses from the book Indoctrination U (2007) by David Horowitz. Quotes and descriptions come from the professors or course catalogues:
• “Contemporary China” where the instructor intends to demonstrate “…why Mao was a great figure.”
• “Why Do They Hate Us?: Perspectives on 9/11” and “From Harems to Terrorists: Representing the Middle East in Hollywood Cinema,” taught by the same instructor, the latter course “broadly examines the ideologies that justify anti-Arab racism and U.S.-led wars in the middle East.”
• “Feminism after 9/11,” a subject the students “have responded really well to…”
• “Cultures of U.S. Imperialism,” a 19th century course that nonetheless will echo “Bush’s early…rhetoric.”
• “Modern Marxist Theory,” is “designed to give students the ability to apply Marx’s theoretical and methodological insights to the study of current topics of theoretical and political importance.” [Sorry, but I had to type this last description—you only had to read it, and you may have just skimmed it. Please, read it again.]
• “Communication and Social Change” offers…[It can’t be good for the country.]
What if all of Congress were to stop working (some of them will next year, you know) and go back to school for a semester? It’s another American rite of passage lost on the career politician. Congress could pretend to know what the rest of us do—that the 50 states would get along just fine without them for several months (think D.C. before A/C).
It seems congress could use a refresher course on the Constitution: It does contain the original and only permanent job description for congress. Any other rules and duties have been created by some previous congress and, if bad for our country, can be changed by some future congress. Probably not a congress brought up on the above-mentioned curriculum, and probably not the current congress as they’ve so far demonstrated their understanding of the Constitution.
So, let’s consider a sampling of courses that might be offered to congress in the Spring Semester. The instructors named below would have to agree, and a suitable campus would have to be found. I propose the brand new but unoccupied prison in America’s Heartland where congress wants to house terrorists now at Guantanamo: Men who dream of dying while killing Americans and who only associate with like-minded people. Rather than a radical Muslim enclave, small as it may be, I’m sure the local residents would rather have the American Congressional Laissez-faire University (ACLU) in their backyard. Congress could live in the cells (have you seen the size of a dorm room lately) while attending classes. They could be offered one-on-one tutoring after hours from congressional staffing funds: Each evening a checkpoint on the nearest Interstate could bring the first 535 qualified tutors willing to sit and read the Constitution in English to a member of congress for $30/hour—it doesn’t take all night. Each morning politicians should come to class with pen and paper or receive a zero for the day. Members of congress who fail courses may try again in a short summer session, just two months before their fall election—or their electoral fall. Grades will be the traditional A-F and will be posted on the Internet along with a final 30-page paper on the topic: “Limited Government and You, Politicians Helping Politicians: A Twelve Step Program for America.” Congressmen must take four courses to be considered full time and draw their full salaries.
• “American Freedom: On Loan From God, 1776-????” surveys United States History through the 2008 election compared to the single year 2009. Due to our founding as a nation, God will be mentioned in class on several occasions. Open Podium Fridays will allow students to express and or defend themselves. Only valid arguments, as determined by Associate Professor Bo Snerdley, will be allowed. Instructor: Rush Limbaugh.
• “America on Loan” shreds Marxist philosophy and illustrates how the United States saved the “Cradle of Western Civilization” from totalitarianism twice in the last 100 years and much of Europe from communism over the last 60 years. Instr: Mark Steyn.
• “Celebrity Round Table: The American Wilderness Redux” uses 29 visiting celebrities who will attempt to read the Constitution in public and explain how American celebrities overtook American Heroes in the American mind; how basic life skills and personal responsibility have been mocked in the media; and why American children grow up to expose themselves completely on camera. Primary Instr: Paris Hilton.
• “The Hoaxes of Hollywood 1945-2009” surveys the history of Hollywood’s political storytelling from the Alger Hiss Was Not a Soviet Spy Story through the Creative Saga of Global Warming. Marketing campaigns for global warming and blockbuster science fiction movies will be compared. Students must write three biographies of the 300 or so Soviet agents identified from the New Deal era and WWII. Instr: Ann Coulter.
• “Teaching America about America” uses a chalkboard, a white board and common sense to lead students through the rise of progressivism and the harm it has brought our Constitution and the Republic. Food and drink permitted in class. Instructor: Glenn Beck.
• “United States Hysteria, Aug 2008 to Present,” Media clips and common sense will be used to show media bias. Delusions of competence in the U.S. media will be compared to those in the U.S. Congress. Instr: Sarah Palin. (Book signings after each class.)
• “Why Congress Fears the FairTax” details the most researched bill, H.R. 25 (134 pages), ever in congress—the best good thing they could do for their country. Instr: Neal Boortz
Capitol Hill Avoids Reality (TV) Like the Mexican Swine Flu
I know, some people feel better calling it the H1N1 Virus, but I don’t know why—and I thank God those people don’t name our children yet. To identify a virus like the Mexican Swine Flu by its geographical origin seems normal—even competent. Let’s say the Centers for Disease Control were tracking a deadly strain from my father’s ancestral home: It would be right to call it the Finnish Reindeer Flu—but that sounds too much like Finnish Reindeer Stew and for the children’s sake something to avoid this time of year—like the Mexican Swine Flu.
But, back to reality (TV)…no, one more thing on geography: It seems geography got lost somewhere in the contiguous 48. Now, it just wanders around between the Lone Star and the Flickertail States without a home: Imagine—geography with no place. History and geography buffs (closeted and public) have traced the loss of history and geography: It goes back to that fruitless hybrid known as Social Studies. Social Studies classes have moved our kids along a multicultural trail with no sense of American geography, history or pride. At adulthood we throw in dashboard GPS brains and the Daily Show while throwing out maps and reality. The result: A bunch of people in our country with no sense…of our country.
Capitol Hill was designed to lead us with a sense of us, alas, congress has isolated itself from the Constitution and the rest of us on two fronts: A lack of reality on their part and a lack of reality TV on their tail…or trail—their multicultural and multi-corrupted trail. How did Capitol Hill become so distant from patriots next door in Virginia and Maryland? Where the FBI has failed to expose political corruption the paparazzi might succeed…surely each corrupt politician has left breadcrumbs on their way from taking an oath to becoming an oaf.
I mean, look what we’ve shamelessly learned about Tiger Woods in just a few short days. I say we turn TMZ and Entertainment Tonight loose in the halls of congress for a season or two—the 2010 and 2012 seasons. How could we get viewers to watch long sessions of congress screwing the American people—watch hours of politicians screwing people out of America? What if it were interspersed with shaky camera shots of Capitol Hill after hours? Think Cheaters meets C-Span with grainy black-and-white video shot in the D.C. area, or better yet, three hours on BookTV, perhaps a full-color coffee table book of Capitol Hill activities on and off duty—but that could involve congressional nudity…. Sorry for that image, just one more thing to avoid for the children’s sake, so let’s review: Finnish Reindeer Stew on FoodTV, Mexican Swine Flu near the ER TV, and Congress Screwing You: a Pictorial on BookTV.
We all know that congress prefers to avoid reality, but why has reality TV shied away from Capitol Hill? We see some of The Biggest Loser (s) in the country when congress and microphones meet, and there’s no shortage of Cheaters—look at all of the nearly-nominated-but-my-taxes-came-to-light-crowd from the early days of this administration, or the I-did-what-you-would-go-to-jail-for nominee now running the whole tax shop. We need Ghost Hunters to find just an apparition of competence in those long, corrupt and long-corrupt halls of congress.
We delve into the private and the professional lives of fashionable restaurants and fashion runways on our television screens. We see more of addiction than is proper in public, and we seek more exposure in public than is proper. Cameras are everywhere with no shortage of shots in sight, another clip for the curious can be found 24/7 on some channel. So, why not Congress—that whole Capitol Hill gig? There’s a reality show in there somewhere—or everywhere. Long ago someone tried to show reality on Capitol Hill; it was Bill, a cartoon of a man all rolled up in his dreams of becoming a law. Bound up by string, Bill would still scale up the steps of the Capitol, making his way gracefully between the two Houses of Congress. Imagine the current Health Care legislation rolled up like Bill, bound up with—what—we would have to rip a cable off the GW Bridge. Today’s legislative bills would rip the heart right out of GW…and Jefferson and Madison and Franklin and Monroe and…
Now, imagine congress living an episode of Constitutional COPS every day: Bad ploys, bad ploys, whatchya gonna do? Whatchya gonna do when they fail for you, bad ploys… The Capitol Police and the Constitution already exist, as do many constitutional infractions. Production costs would be low as congressmen could only be snatched up on Capitol grounds; pulled over in the parking lot or chased down a glossy marble floor, searched, cuffed, and hauled away for violating, oh, maybe…their oath to the Constitution. Unlike marriage, there is no political movement to redefine malfeasance—people just go out of their way to ignore malfeasance. I had to look it up.
How about a new show called American Bridle every Thursday night at nine? It would combine The World’s Strongest Man with The Amazing Race. Teams of politicians would attach themselves to various wagons during the hour-long reality show: Their load would be proportional to the burdens they place on the American people. On American Bridle members of congress would drag their political baggage all the way up Capitol Hill. Of course, those elected officials hauling the U.S. Constitution and little else would have the best chance at winning—but so many politicians haven’t figured that out yet—it could make for a good show. Congressmen who support, say, Global Warming Taxes would have to haul around a couple thousand anti-capitalist scientists, all e-mailing conspirators, and any former vice-presidents who swear the earth will melt without an infusion of your cold hard cash. I believe the Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader would, working together, have to make 3 trips up The Hill just to carry a printed version of 3 pending bills. Any injuries sustained by congress during the show, say compound fractures of the tibia, would be treated according to a computer model of America’s future health care system—in other words anything could be fatal. We might have to give them a pain pill instead of an operation…
Maybe a reality show hosted by Gary Coleman could open with the tag line “Whatchyou talkin’ about, Congress?” It could be a debate program where congress would have to eat and drink gross stuff when they are caught lying about…congress and its duties; when they make stuff up about our constitution and our history to influence ill-educated voter groups. We know of the Stewartship Americans get from the Daily Show. Congress should be different, but too many aren’t: They should, in reality, be proud of their constitutional stewardship or quit stewarding.
Don’t tell the kids, but I’m off to fix a steaming bowl of Finnish Reindeer Stew—I need comfort food. You see, I’m feeling a little H1N1 coming on and C-Span preempted my BookTV for an episode of Congress Screwing You. It features the Senate convincing our future doctors to give up on their dreams. We can only hope some of those kids will study geography and find the real America. Let’s pray their reality is far different than what Capitol Hill wants for our children.
But, back to reality (TV)…no, one more thing on geography: It seems geography got lost somewhere in the contiguous 48. Now, it just wanders around between the Lone Star and the Flickertail States without a home: Imagine—geography with no place. History and geography buffs (closeted and public) have traced the loss of history and geography: It goes back to that fruitless hybrid known as Social Studies. Social Studies classes have moved our kids along a multicultural trail with no sense of American geography, history or pride. At adulthood we throw in dashboard GPS brains and the Daily Show while throwing out maps and reality. The result: A bunch of people in our country with no sense…of our country.
Capitol Hill was designed to lead us with a sense of us, alas, congress has isolated itself from the Constitution and the rest of us on two fronts: A lack of reality on their part and a lack of reality TV on their tail…or trail—their multicultural and multi-corrupted trail. How did Capitol Hill become so distant from patriots next door in Virginia and Maryland? Where the FBI has failed to expose political corruption the paparazzi might succeed…surely each corrupt politician has left breadcrumbs on their way from taking an oath to becoming an oaf.
I mean, look what we’ve shamelessly learned about Tiger Woods in just a few short days. I say we turn TMZ and Entertainment Tonight loose in the halls of congress for a season or two—the 2010 and 2012 seasons. How could we get viewers to watch long sessions of congress screwing the American people—watch hours of politicians screwing people out of America? What if it were interspersed with shaky camera shots of Capitol Hill after hours? Think Cheaters meets C-Span with grainy black-and-white video shot in the D.C. area, or better yet, three hours on BookTV, perhaps a full-color coffee table book of Capitol Hill activities on and off duty—but that could involve congressional nudity…. Sorry for that image, just one more thing to avoid for the children’s sake, so let’s review: Finnish Reindeer Stew on FoodTV, Mexican Swine Flu near the ER TV, and Congress Screwing You: a Pictorial on BookTV.
We all know that congress prefers to avoid reality, but why has reality TV shied away from Capitol Hill? We see some of The Biggest Loser (s) in the country when congress and microphones meet, and there’s no shortage of Cheaters—look at all of the nearly-nominated-but-my-taxes-came-to-light-crowd from the early days of this administration, or the I-did-what-you-would-go-to-jail-for nominee now running the whole tax shop. We need Ghost Hunters to find just an apparition of competence in those long, corrupt and long-corrupt halls of congress.
We delve into the private and the professional lives of fashionable restaurants and fashion runways on our television screens. We see more of addiction than is proper in public, and we seek more exposure in public than is proper. Cameras are everywhere with no shortage of shots in sight, another clip for the curious can be found 24/7 on some channel. So, why not Congress—that whole Capitol Hill gig? There’s a reality show in there somewhere—or everywhere. Long ago someone tried to show reality on Capitol Hill; it was Bill, a cartoon of a man all rolled up in his dreams of becoming a law. Bound up by string, Bill would still scale up the steps of the Capitol, making his way gracefully between the two Houses of Congress. Imagine the current Health Care legislation rolled up like Bill, bound up with—what—we would have to rip a cable off the GW Bridge. Today’s legislative bills would rip the heart right out of GW…and Jefferson and Madison and Franklin and Monroe and…
Now, imagine congress living an episode of Constitutional COPS every day: Bad ploys, bad ploys, whatchya gonna do? Whatchya gonna do when they fail for you, bad ploys… The Capitol Police and the Constitution already exist, as do many constitutional infractions. Production costs would be low as congressmen could only be snatched up on Capitol grounds; pulled over in the parking lot or chased down a glossy marble floor, searched, cuffed, and hauled away for violating, oh, maybe…their oath to the Constitution. Unlike marriage, there is no political movement to redefine malfeasance—people just go out of their way to ignore malfeasance. I had to look it up.
How about a new show called American Bridle every Thursday night at nine? It would combine The World’s Strongest Man with The Amazing Race. Teams of politicians would attach themselves to various wagons during the hour-long reality show: Their load would be proportional to the burdens they place on the American people. On American Bridle members of congress would drag their political baggage all the way up Capitol Hill. Of course, those elected officials hauling the U.S. Constitution and little else would have the best chance at winning—but so many politicians haven’t figured that out yet—it could make for a good show. Congressmen who support, say, Global Warming Taxes would have to haul around a couple thousand anti-capitalist scientists, all e-mailing conspirators, and any former vice-presidents who swear the earth will melt without an infusion of your cold hard cash. I believe the Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader would, working together, have to make 3 trips up The Hill just to carry a printed version of 3 pending bills. Any injuries sustained by congress during the show, say compound fractures of the tibia, would be treated according to a computer model of America’s future health care system—in other words anything could be fatal. We might have to give them a pain pill instead of an operation…
Maybe a reality show hosted by Gary Coleman could open with the tag line “Whatchyou talkin’ about, Congress?” It could be a debate program where congress would have to eat and drink gross stuff when they are caught lying about…congress and its duties; when they make stuff up about our constitution and our history to influence ill-educated voter groups. We know of the Stewartship Americans get from the Daily Show. Congress should be different, but too many aren’t: They should, in reality, be proud of their constitutional stewardship or quit stewarding.
Don’t tell the kids, but I’m off to fix a steaming bowl of Finnish Reindeer Stew—I need comfort food. You see, I’m feeling a little H1N1 coming on and C-Span preempted my BookTV for an episode of Congress Screwing You. It features the Senate convincing our future doctors to give up on their dreams. We can only hope some of those kids will study geography and find the real America. Let’s pray their reality is far different than what Capitol Hill wants for our children.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Global Warming and Josey Wales
Can we really tie Global Warming to the story of a family guy turned Confederate Guerilla turned Western hero? I reckon so… If you’re not like the rest of us, who have seen The Outlaw Josey Wales many times, just watch it once and you’ll soon be like the rest of us. Several scenes bring Global Warming science and Global Warming salesmen to mind.
Clint Eastwood’s movie (from the novel, Gone to Texas) has a stereotypical snake oil salesman and an old Indian as supporting characters. The two meet in a dusty frontier town. The snake oil salesman addresses a crowd of settlers with bottles of elixir on a traveling stand. The somewhat-wizened old Indian walks past on the wooden sidewalk: The salesman tries using the Indian as a prop to sell his potion to the people.
Before we recall the scene, try to picture Al Gore in a white linen suit with brown suede trim and matching top hat. Picture anyone you know with a lick of sense as the somewhat-wizened old Indian. Of course, you’ll also need to consider the possibility that Global Warming turned Climate Change has always been and continues to be snake oily.
So, there is Al Gore/Snake Oil Salesman pitching the theory that whatever is in the bottle will cure whatever ails you…for the price of the bottle.
Somewhat-wizened old Indian: What’s in it?
Al Gore/Snake Oil Salesman: I don’t know, really, various things…I’m just the salesman.
Indian: You drink it.
AG/SOS: What’s that?
Indian: You drink it. (Walks off)
AG/SOS (To the crowd): What can you expect from a non-believer…? (The contents of the bottle should not be challenged…or inquired upon.)
Al Gore can’t explain what’s in Global Warming science any more than a snake oil salesman can spell out the ingredients in his bottle. I wouldn’t take a spoonful from either one, let alone have them shoving it down my throat; all the while telling me it’s a life-saving emergency.
Earlier in the film, when Josey Wales first meets the old Indian they quickly decide they’re not a threat to each other (again the lick of sense comes into play).
Wales: Do you have any food?
Indian (holding up a red crystal): I’ve got this piece of rock candy. But it’s not for eatin’…it’s just for lookin’ through.
Does the Copenhagen crowd know that Global Warming science, like rock candy, has no sustenance—that all of us somewhat-wizened old Indians won’t bite—that we’re just lookin’ right through it…and them?
Finally, but much earlier in the film, Josey Wales meets the snake oil salesman. Wales sits on his horse, a wounded friend in tow. The salesman stands beside the horse and proclaims his elixir “works on just about anything…” Josey Wales asks, “How is it on stains?” just before he spits a stream of tobacco juice onto the nearest white linen lapel.
Al Gore and his ilk stand before our horse with a name: America. They keep trying to convince us that giving away our wealth will cool an already-cooling planet, or stop the climate from…changing. They don’t notice all the people with a lick of sense sitting on that horse. They seem surprised we would spit on the idea of anti-capitalism turned science; that we would spit smack-dab in the middle of their white linen lapels.
Clint Eastwood’s movie (from the novel, Gone to Texas) has a stereotypical snake oil salesman and an old Indian as supporting characters. The two meet in a dusty frontier town. The snake oil salesman addresses a crowd of settlers with bottles of elixir on a traveling stand. The somewhat-wizened old Indian walks past on the wooden sidewalk: The salesman tries using the Indian as a prop to sell his potion to the people.
Before we recall the scene, try to picture Al Gore in a white linen suit with brown suede trim and matching top hat. Picture anyone you know with a lick of sense as the somewhat-wizened old Indian. Of course, you’ll also need to consider the possibility that Global Warming turned Climate Change has always been and continues to be snake oily.
So, there is Al Gore/Snake Oil Salesman pitching the theory that whatever is in the bottle will cure whatever ails you…for the price of the bottle.
Somewhat-wizened old Indian: What’s in it?
Al Gore/Snake Oil Salesman: I don’t know, really, various things…I’m just the salesman.
Indian: You drink it.
AG/SOS: What’s that?
Indian: You drink it. (Walks off)
AG/SOS (To the crowd): What can you expect from a non-believer…? (The contents of the bottle should not be challenged…or inquired upon.)
Al Gore can’t explain what’s in Global Warming science any more than a snake oil salesman can spell out the ingredients in his bottle. I wouldn’t take a spoonful from either one, let alone have them shoving it down my throat; all the while telling me it’s a life-saving emergency.
Earlier in the film, when Josey Wales first meets the old Indian they quickly decide they’re not a threat to each other (again the lick of sense comes into play).
Wales: Do you have any food?
Indian (holding up a red crystal): I’ve got this piece of rock candy. But it’s not for eatin’…it’s just for lookin’ through.
Does the Copenhagen crowd know that Global Warming science, like rock candy, has no sustenance—that all of us somewhat-wizened old Indians won’t bite—that we’re just lookin’ right through it…and them?
Finally, but much earlier in the film, Josey Wales meets the snake oil salesman. Wales sits on his horse, a wounded friend in tow. The salesman stands beside the horse and proclaims his elixir “works on just about anything…” Josey Wales asks, “How is it on stains?” just before he spits a stream of tobacco juice onto the nearest white linen lapel.
Al Gore and his ilk stand before our horse with a name: America. They keep trying to convince us that giving away our wealth will cool an already-cooling planet, or stop the climate from…changing. They don’t notice all the people with a lick of sense sitting on that horse. They seem surprised we would spit on the idea of anti-capitalism turned science; that we would spit smack-dab in the middle of their white linen lapels.
My first 24 hours as a Blogger
About this time yesterday I acted on the advice of friends and set up this blog. Blogspot made it real easy for the normal computer person to set up a blog. I was having some trouble, and then the phone rang.
My 4-yr-old was throwing up all over her school, my wife was picking her up and bringing her home. I thought of asking if we could just let her throw up all over the school and leave our house alone, but I thought better.
So, as I'm learning to blog I greet my daughter coming in the house. She looks up and tells me, "Daddy, I'm sick." I believed her, but she had to show me anyway. A few years back we bought a fancy kitchen garbage can--the stainless steel kind that amplifies kid prints and kool-aid dribbles. Olivia once had to get on her tippy toes to look down into the garbage. She would say, "Gross" or "Yucky" as she stuggled to keep the lid up with the foot pedal.
Yesterday she conguered the can. I knew my little girl was growing up as I watched her throwing up. Her foot went down on that pedal like it was a wayward ant in the driveway. The lid sprang up and, no longer on her tipppy toes, Olivia rejected the water and crackers meant to settle her stomach at school. Like a real trooper, or like a real drunken sailor, she had each hand gripping the side of the can, not a drop on the floor.
Speaking of drops on the floor, they soon fell...it was then I wished the kitchen garbage can had been in the bathroom. Whatever was in her little tummy had migrated to the large intestine and then the linoleum floor. Anyway, she recovered before I did.
She seems fine this morning, hanging out with dad today. I had to call her mommy at work to get instructions on starting up the Wii game console for Mario Kart racing. Between her mommy and Olivia, they got it figured out over the phone. I was glad I could dial the phone, though.
So, this blogging thing might catch on with me...if Olivia's bug doesn't catch on to me first. Excuse me for now, I'm going to sit beside the kitchen garbage can for a while...
My 4-yr-old was throwing up all over her school, my wife was picking her up and bringing her home. I thought of asking if we could just let her throw up all over the school and leave our house alone, but I thought better.
So, as I'm learning to blog I greet my daughter coming in the house. She looks up and tells me, "Daddy, I'm sick." I believed her, but she had to show me anyway. A few years back we bought a fancy kitchen garbage can--the stainless steel kind that amplifies kid prints and kool-aid dribbles. Olivia once had to get on her tippy toes to look down into the garbage. She would say, "Gross" or "Yucky" as she stuggled to keep the lid up with the foot pedal.
Yesterday she conguered the can. I knew my little girl was growing up as I watched her throwing up. Her foot went down on that pedal like it was a wayward ant in the driveway. The lid sprang up and, no longer on her tipppy toes, Olivia rejected the water and crackers meant to settle her stomach at school. Like a real trooper, or like a real drunken sailor, she had each hand gripping the side of the can, not a drop on the floor.
Speaking of drops on the floor, they soon fell...it was then I wished the kitchen garbage can had been in the bathroom. Whatever was in her little tummy had migrated to the large intestine and then the linoleum floor. Anyway, she recovered before I did.
She seems fine this morning, hanging out with dad today. I had to call her mommy at work to get instructions on starting up the Wii game console for Mario Kart racing. Between her mommy and Olivia, they got it figured out over the phone. I was glad I could dial the phone, though.
So, this blogging thing might catch on with me...if Olivia's bug doesn't catch on to me first. Excuse me for now, I'm going to sit beside the kitchen garbage can for a while...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The USA is only two lives long
A while back I read where a 116 year-old woman died. If, as an infant, she had been held in the arms of another 116-year old, that woman would have been born during the winter of Valley Forge.
How can congress spend as much much money in one year as we have since George Washington's army had no shoes? Is it because politicians consider it merely two lifetimes of spending, or because politicians just don't give a damn about George Washington's army anymore?
I bet many of our elected officials think Valley Forge is a ski resort out west and that no person could live to 116 in a country with such horrible health care...
How can congress spend as much much money in one year as we have since George Washington's army had no shoes? Is it because politicians consider it merely two lifetimes of spending, or because politicians just don't give a damn about George Washington's army anymore?
I bet many of our elected officials think Valley Forge is a ski resort out west and that no person could live to 116 in a country with such horrible health care...
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