Congress in the Spring Semester

Here in Gainesville our Florida Gators start the Spring Semester next month—after Christmas Vacation, before the National Championship Game (This time of year I find the words Winter Break more offensive than Crimson Tide or Long Horn). Speaking of being offended, how has congress made you feel lately? Are they lacking in job skills or just using the wrong skills very well? Is it their job performance, or more likely, their education that threatens our Republic? If our public servants have forgotten, or never learned, how to do good things for their own country, they should go back to school. Like our own children, congress ought to learn about good things…and their own country. I would propose a GI Bill for Congress but that would offend GIs named Bill.

First, let’s look at a few college courses offered to people who vote for congress. Then, we’ll consider courses valid for congress. What can an 18-year-old voter learn during their first semester away from home? I warn you, college course catalogues read like a detailed map of Texas: When you see the name of some college courses—like some small Texas towns—you’ll pause to wonder who came up with that idea and what they were thinking. Here is a sampling of university courses from the book Indoctrination U (2007) by David Horowitz. Quotes and descriptions come from the professors or course catalogues:

• “Contemporary China” where the instructor intends to demonstrate “…why Mao was a great figure.”
• “Why Do They Hate Us?: Perspectives on 9/11” and “From Harems to Terrorists: Representing the Middle East in Hollywood Cinema,” taught by the same instructor, the latter course “broadly examines the ideologies that justify anti-Arab racism and U.S.-led wars in the middle East.”
• “Feminism after 9/11,” a subject the students “have responded really well to…”
• “Cultures of U.S. Imperialism,” a 19th century course that nonetheless will echo “Bush’s early…rhetoric.”
• “Modern Marxist Theory,” is “designed to give students the ability to apply Marx’s theoretical and methodological insights to the study of current topics of theoretical and political importance.” [Sorry, but I had to type this last description—you only had to read it, and you may have just skimmed it. Please, read it again.]
• “Communication and Social Change” offers…[It can’t be good for the country.]

What if all of Congress were to stop working (some of them will next year, you know) and go back to school for a semester? It’s another American rite of passage lost on the career politician. Congress could pretend to know what the rest of us do—that the 50 states would get along just fine without them for several months (think D.C. before A/C).

It seems congress could use a refresher course on the Constitution: It does contain the original and only permanent job description for congress. Any other rules and duties have been created by some previous congress and, if bad for our country, can be changed by some future congress. Probably not a congress brought up on the above-mentioned curriculum, and probably not the current congress as they’ve so far demonstrated their understanding of the Constitution.

So, let’s consider a sampling of courses that might be offered to congress in the Spring Semester. The instructors named below would have to agree, and a suitable campus would have to be found. I propose the brand new but unoccupied prison in America’s Heartland where congress wants to house terrorists now at Guantanamo: Men who dream of dying while killing Americans and who only associate with like-minded people. Rather than a radical Muslim enclave, small as it may be, I’m sure the local residents would rather have the American Congressional Laissez-faire University (ACLU) in their backyard. Congress could live in the cells (have you seen the size of a dorm room lately) while attending classes. They could be offered one-on-one tutoring after hours from congressional staffing funds: Each evening a checkpoint on the nearest Interstate could bring the first 535 qualified tutors willing to sit and read the Constitution in English to a member of congress for $30/hour—it doesn’t take all night. Each morning politicians should come to class with pen and paper or receive a zero for the day. Members of congress who fail courses may try again in a short summer session, just two months before their fall election—or their electoral fall. Grades will be the traditional A-F and will be posted on the Internet along with a final 30-page paper on the topic: “Limited Government and You, Politicians Helping Politicians: A Twelve Step Program for America.” Congressmen must take four courses to be considered full time and draw their full salaries.

• “American Freedom: On Loan From God, 1776-????” surveys United States History through the 2008 election compared to the single year 2009. Due to our founding as a nation, God will be mentioned in class on several occasions. Open Podium Fridays will allow students to express and or defend themselves. Only valid arguments, as determined by Associate Professor Bo Snerdley, will be allowed. Instructor: Rush Limbaugh.
• “America on Loan” shreds Marxist philosophy and illustrates how the United States saved the “Cradle of Western Civilization” from totalitarianism twice in the last 100 years and much of Europe from communism over the last 60 years. Instr: Mark Steyn.
• “Celebrity Round Table: The American Wilderness Redux” uses 29 visiting celebrities who will attempt to read the Constitution in public and explain how American celebrities overtook American Heroes in the American mind; how basic life skills and personal responsibility have been mocked in the media; and why American children grow up to expose themselves completely on camera. Primary Instr: Paris Hilton.
• “The Hoaxes of Hollywood 1945-2009” surveys the history of Hollywood’s political storytelling from the Alger Hiss Was Not a Soviet Spy Story through the Creative Saga of Global Warming. Marketing campaigns for global warming and blockbuster science fiction movies will be compared. Students must write three biographies of the 300 or so Soviet agents identified from the New Deal era and WWII. Instr: Ann Coulter.
• “Teaching America about America” uses a chalkboard, a white board and common sense to lead students through the rise of progressivism and the harm it has brought our Constitution and the Republic. Food and drink permitted in class. Instructor: Glenn Beck.
• “United States Hysteria, Aug 2008 to Present,” Media clips and common sense will be used to show media bias. Delusions of competence in the U.S. media will be compared to those in the U.S. Congress. Instr: Sarah Palin. (Book signings after each class.)
• “Why Congress Fears the FairTax” details the most researched bill, H.R. 25 (134 pages), ever in congress—the best good thing they could do for their country. Instr: Neal Boortz