Capitol Hill Avoids Reality (TV) Like the Mexican Swine Flu

I know, some people feel better calling it the H1N1 Virus, but I don’t know why—and I thank God those people don’t name our children yet. To identify a virus like the Mexican Swine Flu by its geographical origin seems normal—even competent. Let’s say the Centers for Disease Control were tracking a deadly strain from my father’s ancestral home: It would be right to call it the Finnish Reindeer Flu—but that sounds too much like Finnish Reindeer Stew and for the children’s sake something to avoid this time of year—like the Mexican Swine Flu.

But, back to reality (TV)…no, one more thing on geography: It seems geography got lost somewhere in the contiguous 48. Now, it just wanders around between the Lone Star and the Flickertail States without a home: Imagine—geography with no place. History and geography buffs (closeted and public) have traced the loss of history and geography: It goes back to that fruitless hybrid known as Social Studies. Social Studies classes have moved our kids along a multicultural trail with no sense of American geography, history or pride. At adulthood we throw in dashboard GPS brains and the Daily Show while throwing out maps and reality. The result: A bunch of people in our country with no sense…of our country.

Capitol Hill was designed to lead us with a sense of us, alas, congress has isolated itself from the Constitution and the rest of us on two fronts: A lack of reality on their part and a lack of reality TV on their tail…or trail—their multicultural and multi-corrupted trail. How did Capitol Hill become so distant from patriots next door in Virginia and Maryland? Where the FBI has failed to expose political corruption the paparazzi might succeed…surely each corrupt politician has left breadcrumbs on their way from taking an oath to becoming an oaf.

I mean, look what we’ve shamelessly learned about Tiger Woods in just a few short days. I say we turn TMZ and Entertainment Tonight loose in the halls of congress for a season or two—the 2010 and 2012 seasons. How could we get viewers to watch long sessions of congress screwing the American people—watch hours of politicians screwing people out of America? What if it were interspersed with shaky camera shots of Capitol Hill after hours? Think Cheaters meets C-Span with grainy black-and-white video shot in the D.C. area, or better yet, three hours on BookTV, perhaps a full-color coffee table book of Capitol Hill activities on and off duty—but that could involve congressional nudity…. Sorry for that image, just one more thing to avoid for the children’s sake, so let’s review: Finnish Reindeer Stew on FoodTV, Mexican Swine Flu near the ER TV, and Congress Screwing You: a Pictorial on BookTV.

We all know that congress prefers to avoid reality, but why has reality TV shied away from Capitol Hill? We see some of The Biggest Loser (s) in the country when congress and microphones meet, and there’s no shortage of Cheaters—look at all of the nearly-nominated-but-my-taxes-came-to-light-crowd from the early days of this administration, or the I-did-what-you-would-go-to-jail-for nominee now running the whole tax shop. We need Ghost Hunters to find just an apparition of competence in those long, corrupt and long-corrupt halls of congress.

We delve into the private and the professional lives of fashionable restaurants and fashion runways on our television screens. We see more of addiction than is proper in public, and we seek more exposure in public than is proper. Cameras are everywhere with no shortage of shots in sight, another clip for the curious can be found 24/7 on some channel. So, why not Congress—that whole Capitol Hill gig? There’s a reality show in there somewhere—or everywhere. Long ago someone tried to show reality on Capitol Hill; it was Bill, a cartoon of a man all rolled up in his dreams of becoming a law. Bound up by string, Bill would still scale up the steps of the Capitol, making his way gracefully between the two Houses of Congress. Imagine the current Health Care legislation rolled up like Bill, bound up with—what—we would have to rip a cable off the GW Bridge. Today’s legislative bills would rip the heart right out of GW…and Jefferson and Madison and Franklin and Monroe and…

Now, imagine congress living an episode of Constitutional COPS every day: Bad ploys, bad ploys, whatchya gonna do? Whatchya gonna do when they fail for you, bad ploys… The Capitol Police and the Constitution already exist, as do many constitutional infractions. Production costs would be low as congressmen could only be snatched up on Capitol grounds; pulled over in the parking lot or chased down a glossy marble floor, searched, cuffed, and hauled away for violating, oh, maybe…their oath to the Constitution. Unlike marriage, there is no political movement to redefine malfeasance—people just go out of their way to ignore malfeasance. I had to look it up.

How about a new show called American Bridle every Thursday night at nine? It would combine The World’s Strongest Man with The Amazing Race. Teams of politicians would attach themselves to various wagons during the hour-long reality show: Their load would be proportional to the burdens they place on the American people. On American Bridle members of congress would drag their political baggage all the way up Capitol Hill. Of course, those elected officials hauling the U.S. Constitution and little else would have the best chance at winning—but so many politicians haven’t figured that out yet—it could make for a good show. Congressmen who support, say, Global Warming Taxes would have to haul around a couple thousand anti-capitalist scientists, all e-mailing conspirators, and any former vice-presidents who swear the earth will melt without an infusion of your cold hard cash. I believe the Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader would, working together, have to make 3 trips up The Hill just to carry a printed version of 3 pending bills. Any injuries sustained by congress during the show, say compound fractures of the tibia, would be treated according to a computer model of America’s future health care system—in other words anything could be fatal. We might have to give them a pain pill instead of an operation…

Maybe a reality show hosted by Gary Coleman could open with the tag line “Whatchyou talkin’ about, Congress?” It could be a debate program where congress would have to eat and drink gross stuff when they are caught lying about…congress and its duties; when they make stuff up about our constitution and our history to influence ill-educated voter groups. We know of the Stewartship Americans get from the Daily Show. Congress should be different, but too many aren’t: They should, in reality, be proud of their constitutional stewardship or quit stewarding.

Don’t tell the kids, but I’m off to fix a steaming bowl of Finnish Reindeer Stew—I need comfort food. You see, I’m feeling a little H1N1 coming on and C-Span preempted my BookTV for an episode of Congress Screwing You. It features the Senate convincing our future doctors to give up on their dreams. We can only hope some of those kids will study geography and find the real America. Let’s pray their reality is far different than what Capitol Hill wants for our children.